How HoboJoe Stole Christmas
by kas90
Summary: WINNER: 2ND PLACE PUBLIC VOTE: Bella goes home for Christmas to find a homeless man in her bed. Written for the Baby It's Cold Outside Contest
1. Chapter 1

**Written for the Baby It's Cold Outside Contest: Winner – 2****nd**** place Public Vote**

**Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight. No Copyright infringement is intended. But if you steal my Hobo, I'll sic Crazy on you. **

**Lizzylillyrose – this couldn't have been written without you. Thank you for all of your time and love put into this. You get visiting rights to the Hobo every other weekend. **

**SandiCarr and ginginlee from PTB – thank you for making this shine. **

**Thanks to my Twilighted beta AngelGoddess1981 for taking on this fic! **

I wasn't from Forks. The very idea of living somewhere that had more rainy days than sunny, snowy, or dusty days combined really didn't make it on my top ten cities to live in - that Facebook app did not know what the hell it was talking about. And green? Green really wasn't my color. I was more of a light brown with yellow and reds mixed in kind of girl.

The wildlife wasn't something that sat with me well, either. Spiders, armadillos, crocks? No problem. Lions, tigers, and bears? Fuck that. Okay, so more like mountain lions than, you know, Africa lions…and the tiger thing might have had been a stretch, but bears. Definitely bears. Big, scary, big teeth and huge claws, ready-to-eat-you-seven-ways-from-Sunday, kind of bears.

Yeah - not my thing. I mean, I was all about being eaten seven ways from Sunday, but the creature dining on that meal usually had a very skilled tongue and a very pretty cock. _Just saying._

But even I had to admit, Christmas in Forks beat out any Christmas in Arizona. These fuckers got snow! Not the fake shit, either. You know that kind that they put around Santa when you take pictures of him in the mall? Try catching that mess on your tongue, and you would be scarred for life. Nah, they got the real deal. They had told me the only thing they had to worry about was when the snow was yellow. I asked Ali what that meant, and she looked at me like I had just bought something from last fashion season. _"Haven't you ever had a dog, Bella?"_she had asked.

Had she not heard my stance on creatures with four legs and fur? Apparently not.

But stay away from yellow snow – got it.

So yeah, back to my ramblings. ADD was tough shit to deal with. Oh, right, Forks. Yeah, Forks sucked ass…eeeexcept in December. Then it just became magical. I kept waiting for Snow White to pop out from around the corner. And then I would remember Alice and do the very attractive, completely normal, face palm maneuver. The Cullens were like their own Disney characters. Alice, with her pitch black hair and pale skin, plus her freaky love for small rodents, had Snow White down pat. And then there was her brother's girlfriend, Rosalie. Even she made it on my To-Do list. I kept offering a little threesome action for her, Emmett, and myself…ssssssadly, she said that I couldn't handle her pussy. _Pssh._

Disney characters – yes, right. She would totally kick Sleeping Beauty's ass. Even Rose knew that she was hotter than anything those fuckers at Disney could come up with.

And Esme, sweet, sweet Esme, Alice and Emmett's mom, was the best princess of them all. Her lightly tinted red hair reminded me of the fish girl… Ariel? But her kindness, patience, and stunning beauty made her a princess of her own. More like the queen of the Cullens. She should have had her own special queen name. Hell, she should have gotten her own motherfucking island. _Isle__Esme._ I lol'ed at myself. What a stupid idea.

And then there was Daddy Cullen. Ohhh, baby. He was totally like Aladdin.

Ha! Just kidding. He would totally be… hmm, let's just keep with Daddy Cullen. Yeah, that fit him well. That pretty fucker. It wasn't fair that Esme didn't share. Obviously they skipped over the whole sharing concept in kindergarten…first Emmett not sharing Rose, and then Esme not letting Daddy Cullen have some fun.

_Big sigh._

We should have totally brought back Hooked on Phonics to teach them that shit.

So, yeah, Christmas at the Cullens. In Forks. I once asked if we could visit the sister city of Spoons, and then the small towns across the state – Knives and Spatula. They didn't get it. Beauty didn't always come with brains. Or they just didn't find it funny…moving on.

But I loved this place – as long as the bears were tucked away in hiber-thankfucking-nation, I was good! And plus, spending Christmas here was a much better option than going home to Phoenix and spending it with the foster parents of the century. And since, technically, I was over the age of eighteen, they didn't count as my foster family anymore, so it was nice to have another option to where I got to spend the holidays.

Alice was actually my college roommate…and the best thing since sliced bread – or you know, gin and tonics, but nonetheless, she was pretty spectacular.

And, being the awesome friend she was, she invited me home with her our first Christmas together freshman year. I was all shy, bashful, and polite in my decline. Then she had told me I would get a taste of the for-real white shit, and I hopped on that plane faster than the roadrunner himself. Then I found out she was talking about snow and not Daddy C's…ahem…bbbut, by that time, it was too late. So, here I was, three Christmases later, still hoping for a taste of the magic Cullen Christmas special, but also enjoying my bear-less family holiday.

Yeah, that's right. These people were my family. My own fucked up, dirty Disney family.

I was so excited to go home this year. I couldn't wait to give Esme and Daddy C their present! I had bought them a nice ass, way-too-fucking-expensive, but totally-worth-it-because-they're-so-pretty camera! You would think, with being as beautiful as they were, they would pull a Nick and Jessica and put pictures of themselves all around the house. But they hadn't. In all the years that I had known them, I hadn't seen one family picture. But we were going to get one this year. And yes, I said we because I was a part of that shit. I even bought a special frame that I so very nicely decorated myself with my awesome design skills. Okay, so I just put Disney princess stickers around a dark wooden frame, but still, it was poppin'.

Poppin'? Yeah, I said it. It was poppin' like N'sync boy band style. Oh, JT, how your earring did it for me.

"Bella?" Alice interrupted.

Right, time travel away from the 90's.

I lifted my pointer finger up, telling her to wait while I still had my eyes shut.

"Bella, come on, leave the fantasies of Justin Timberland behind, and get back with me."

I opened my eyes and glared at her. "First of all, it's Timberlake, and secondly, how the hell did you know I was thinking about him?"

She laughed and sat back in her seat on the plane. "You get that stupid little smile. You know how it makes me feel when you think of him that way."

"You're just bitter because Lance turned out to be gay. Don't hate my 90's wet dream just because I actually still have a shot of it coming true."

"The day that you sleep with Jason is the day that The Situation loses his orange glow."

"JUSTIN! It's Justin, Alice!"

"Yeah, yeah, Justin, George, and Rob. They're all the fuckers we're never going to get our hands on, so lose the hope, sista. It ain't happening."

"Oh, Alice, I love how you talk gangsta to me. Do it again, baby."

"Brotha! Gettin' in da club," she cooed. "Fly like a G6."

"Oh, yes! Yes!" I moaned. "More! Please, more!"

"It's hot in hurrr, shawty!"

"Yes!"

"Homeboy!"

"Uh, excuse me," the guy across the aisle interrupted. We both turned to stare at him. He might have recoiled a tiny winy bit. "Can you girls keep it down, please?"

"You are dumb," I stated, looking at the guy.

"Really, really dumb," Alice continued.

"Fo' real!"

He looked at us as if we belonged on Shutter Island and kindly repositioned himself in his seat and looked away.

"Peeps just don't get it," I sighed, popping the collar of my plaid button down.

"We can't all be playas."

"Don't be a playa-hata," I rapped, awesome hand motions included.

We both giggled. Yeah, giggled, get off my dick. Giggling is totally socially acceptable.

"So," I began, changing the subject. "What did you get me for Christmas?" I asked excitedly.

Alice rolled her eyes. "I didn't get you jack shit."

"Oh, come on! I know you want to tell me! Can I get a hint? Like a little clue every day leading up to Christmas. It will be like our twelve days of Christmas TV special."

"How is that a TV special?"

"Just go with it, Alice."

She started playing with her skirt. "I'm not kidding you, Bells. I didn't get you a damn thing."

We both laughed. I loved getting presents from the Cullens. After eighteen years of diddly-squat, being spoiled rotten with their high dolla shit was pretty fucking awesome.

"Yeah, I didn't get you anything, either."

"Good, I hate when you buy me things."

We both laughed again.

I suddenly felt the effects of our laughter on my precious baby bladder, and I stood up and stepped over Alice so I could make my way to the built in port-a-potties in the back. I was halfway there when I heard the little ding.

_"The plane is making preparations to land. Please take a seat and buckle your safety belts."_

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! I scurried even more quickly towards the potties.

"Ma'am!" _Damn._"Ma'am, you need to go take a seat."

I turned around and saw the attendant approaching me.

"I'll be real quick! Totally an emergency."

"I'm sorry, ma'am, but I cannot prevent this plane from landing just because you need to relieve yourself."

I quickly surveyed how close I was to the bathroom, and, with a last call decision, I ran the remaining distance and quickly locked myself inside. _Yes! High five for the home team!_

She started banging on the door. "I need you to come out and take your seat, please!"

"One…" unzip, squat, ahhh! "moment!" I suddenly felt the plane descend, and the turbulence caused me to hit the side wall. "Fuck!" I mumbled. Now I had pee all over my leg, and my head hurt like a little bitch. I heard the attendant snicker. _F-you, man!_ I gave her the middle finger from the potty.

After relieving myself, _no, not that way,_ I wiped up my leg of pee and went to stand up.

"You have got to be kidding!" I exclaimed, probably a little too loudly, as I saw bits of pee dribble down my jeans. "Mother fucker!"

I sighed, washed up as best I could, unlocked the door, and walked back to my seat. And they weren't kidding about that seatbelt shit, either. I was flopping around all over the place trying to make it back to Alice. Some guy even had to reach out and steady me. Or maybe he was just trying to cop a feel of my ass. I shrugged it off and gave him the benefit of the doubt, anyway. My ass could use come good hand action.

When I finally got back to Alice, she scrunched her nose. "You smell like piss."

A heavy sigh escaped my lips as I grabbed my belt and clicked it into place. "I fell in."

"Again? Come on, Bella. I thought we talked about this. Potties are for dead fish and puking, not for swimming."

I turned to glare at her.

"I don't pee in your pool, don't swim in my toilet," she laughed.

_Hysterical._

"Do you have any Advil? I have a headache. I smacked my head on the wall."

"Wow, sounds like you had an exciting trip back there."

"Don't be mean, just give me pills."

She reached down to get her purse under the seat, and when the plane moved suddenly, she smacked her head on the seat in front of her.

"Ravish!"

"Uhh, Alice. What the hell was that?"

"What was what?" she asked when she was upright again, rubbing her head and digging for the pills in her purse simultaneously.

"That word? What the heck was that?"

She giggled. _Oh, God._ I internally rolled my eyes. "It's English."

I looked at her questioningly. "No, Alice, that was not English. This – fuck, shit, motherfuckerpussyass – is English."

"British English, Bella. It's much classier, don't you think?"

"Alice, twenty minutes ago you were rapping gangsta slang to me. You don't get to be classy."

"Well," she scoffed, "Jazzy likes it."

"Ugh!" I groaned. "I hate his bloody English accent."

She giggled again. "You said bloody! He's totally rubbing off on you, too!"

"No, Alice, he is not rubbing anything off on me," I clarified. "I just happen to use that word all the time," I justified.

"Bloody, bloody, bloody!" she exclaimed in a terrible adaptation of English speak.

"Please stop!" I begged, covering my ears. "My head already hurts from the potty excursion."

The plane finally landed on the long, paved drive.

"How funny would it be if the plane hit one of the runway workers?"

"Alice! That wouldn't be funny at all."

"It's not like I want him to die or anything, I just think it would be funny. How cool of a story would that be? 'So how did you break your leg, man?' 'Oh, I was hit by a plane.' Awesome shit right there!"

"Oh, Alice, your male voiceovers are so terrible."

"Don't hate my deep voice. It can get real low," she said, lowering her voice as low as it would go. "Get low, shorty!"

"And the American slang is back."

"For now," she said winking. "Jazzy gets in tomorrow. We'll have lots of British fun once he's here."

I sighed again. "I hate that you have a boyfriend. Now everyone's coupled off, and I'll be forced to entertain myself for the next month."

"Oh, Bella. Don't pretend that you don't already entertain yourself quite well," she hinted.

"Don't be pervy, Alice," I scolded.

The plane had stopped and was hooked up to the walkway, and everyone stood up and got their bags, Alice and myself included.

"Don't worry about it, Bella. I'm sure this will be a Christmas to remember, no matter what, who's with who, or who's not with who."

"You're not even making sense."

"Just keep your head up, Bells. I have a feeling this will be our best Christmas yet."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," I sighed.

"But you do really smell like pee."

*X*X*

By the time we got back to the humble Cullen abode… okay, scratch that… by the time we got back to the Queen's palace, i.e. the Cullen house, I was pooped. The flight from Arizona had me wiped, and I was ready for my daily nap. Yes – I took naps daily. It was totally normal.

Rose drove to Seattle to pick up our sorry asses and drove us the remaining way to Forks. It had been a long day, and the sun had already peaced out a while ago. I was surprised to see that no one was home when we got there, but I didn't really think much of it. My brain had already shut off and was ready for me to put it to bed for an hour.

I climbed both flights of stairs and headed to what I claimed as my own bedroom on the third floor. I didn't know why the Cullen's bought such a big house for only having two kids, but I was not complaining. The third floor bedroom was the shit dipped in chocolate. It was perfect, a huge bed in the center, a ton of old records hung on the wall. No TV, but it had the best little balcony on the far side of the room. I loved standing out there while it snowed. The many-a-colds that were caught while doing so could go fuck themselves.

I sighed happily. I was back in my little snowed-in paradise, and, without even turning the light on, I climbed my tired little behind into bed and under the soft comforter, resting, oh so delicately, onto the massive pillows.

Sleep claimed me quickly.

I had the strangest dream. It really was so weird. I felt warmth, smelled cigarette smoke mixed with woods, and heard heavy breathing. It was quite delightful, except that I hated anything woods-related, and my ex-boyfriend smoked like a chimney, so I might have still been holding a bitter grudge about it. And heavy breathing – what, was this some horror movie? Or horror dream? I wasn't much of an actress…

Weird, right? No! Not weird, because when I opened my eyes from my dream, I saw another person in bed with me.

I sat up screaming and quickly turned on the side lamp.

This smelly, grungy, hobo-looking man was sprawled out on the other side of the bed. What the fuck, man! This was my bed!

"Get out of my fucking bed!" I yelled, further waking this obvious homeless person who must have climbed the side of the house and come through the door on my balcony.

"I'm going to sic Daddy C on you, you sick shit!"

"Hold on one fucking minute," Hobo-Joe – yes, I mentally named him – said, rubbing his tired eyes and sitting up. Stupid homeless man, with his full beard, and shaggy hair. Yuck.

"Me hold on?" I exclaimed in disbelief. "I don't think so, pal. You know it's illegal to break into other people's houses!"

"Illegal? Breaking in? What the hell are you talking about? And why are you in my room?"

"Your room?" I gasped. "I don't think so, Joe, this is my room."

"Joe? Are you on crack or something?"

"Whoa, buddy, I don't know what you guys are doing out there on the streets, but I am not into the heavy stuff."

"You've fucking lost it," he said, laying back down and snuggling under the covers – my covers! "Now, get out of my fucking room you hot, but very annoying, yapper."

"Yapper?" I was offended! I did not yap!

"You have the wrong house if you think this is your room. This room, this bed, these awesome posters of JT on the wall, all belong to me."

"Wrong house? I'm sorry, is this not the house of Carlisle and Esme Cullen, because last time I checked, they still lived here."

I sat, mouth agape. Hobo-Joe really did his homework.

"And no, yapper, this is not your room. This is my room. I grew up in this fucking house, I picked out this bed, those are my records on the wall, and as soon as I wake up in the morning, I am going to burn every stupid poster you have in here. So, please, get the hell out, and leave me the hell alone."

"You…you…what?"

There was a knock at the door. "Bella?" I heard Alice call.

"Alice, come in here and tell this homeless man to get out of my bed!"

She walked in and gasped at the sight. Her pale face got even paler. Joe looked kind of shocked too; he sat up quickly as soon as Alice stepped through.

"Alice, do you have your cell on you? We need to call the cops."

She didn't respond. "Alice? Did you hear me?"

She and Joe just stared at each other for a while.

"Edward?"

_Edward?_

Joe - er, Edward, stood out of the bed, his back facing me.

"Hey, Alice," he murmured softly.

She ran towards him, literally jumping into his arms and wrapped her small body around his. He responded equally, holding onto her tightly, swaying back and forth.

"I've missed you so much."

What the fuck was going on?

"What the fuck is going on?"

Emmett came barreling through the room. "Edward!" he exclaimed.

Alice was put down and Emmett and Hobo-Joe embraced tightly. I was so confused.

I glared at all of them. "Will someone please tell me what the hell is going on here?"

"Will someone please tell yapper to fucking shut her yapper!" Edward yelled.

"Uh, Bella," Alice began, "this is my big brother, Edward."

"Big brother? You've never told me about another big brother!"

"See – I'm no homeless, bed robber. You, stupid child, are in my bed. Tell her, Alice, this is my bed." God, he was so annoying. I rolled my eyes at his petulant tone.

"Don't roll your eyes at me," Edward demanded.

"I don't really know what to say," Alice mumbled at the same time.

"Bella," Emmett started, "this was Edward's room growing up. But, Edward, this has been Bella's room for the past few years. She's a part of this family, man."

"What, did they adopt you or some shit?" he asked me.

I shot him an angry look, on top of the already angry look I was sending him. "No, they did not adopt me. I'm Alice's roommate at ASU."

"I'm not following how this became your room, then."

"Bella doesn't have a family," Alice clarified.

_Well, thanks for that bitch slap, Ali._

"What I meant was," she shot me an apologetic look, "we are Bella's family. She comes here during school breaks, and this has become her room."

"I don't understand how my space can be just given away!" he shouted.

"Well maybe if you came home, I wouldn't have taken it," I snapped back.

They all gave me weird looks. "I would have liked to come home. But there was a little problem with that option."

"Which was…"

"Jail, Bella," he said my name with such distaste. "I've spent the last five years in jail. Now, this is the first time I'm sleeping on something other than a metal cot, so I would appreciate it if you got the fuck out of my room so I could get a decent night's sleep!"

Jail! _Jail?_

"You were in jail!" I exclaimed. Wow, my mind had lost a lot of cleverness over the past ten minutes.

He gave me a look that I thought he thought would be scary. It wasn't.

"Look, Joe, you don't intimidate me, so you can put your little looks away. Not needed here."

He looked confused. "Why the hell do you keep calling me Joe?"

"Hobo-Joe. That's what I named you when I first found you in bed with me."

"Oh, for fuck's sake," he sighed. "You are a fucking lunatic."

I jabbed him with my finger. "Hey! I take that personally, Joe. No crazy speak! And plus," I continued, "You smell awful! You're going to stink up my covers."

He stared at me blankly. "I smell awful? Have you taken a whiff, Bella? You smell like old pee!"

Alice started laughing.

"That's it!" I stood up, storming to the other side of the bed and to where he was standing. I took his arm and started pulling him towards the door. He stupidly complied, completely taken aback from my actions, and I successfully pushed all three of them into the hallway. "Now, stay the hell out of my room!" I slammed the door shut and locked it.

Stupid fuckers. They were ruining my dirty Disney Christmas.

*X*X*

I kept myself locked in _my_ room for the rest of the night. I was bitter that the homeless man thought this space was his, and I was mad that the homeless man really wasn't a homeless man at all…but a Cullen.

_He doesn't get a Disney name,_ I thought to myself, as if keeping him from my own mental nicknames would make me feel better.

It did.

Never mind, he got a name…Scar. Yeah, that fucker killed Simba's dad and tried to steal my room. I sat and pondered how I could combine Scar and Hobo-Joe. _Hmm…_

Scar-ho-joe? Joe-bo-scar? Joe-Scar? Fuck face?

I giggled to myself.

Egh, I gave up. I would just stick with calling him the two at different times. My ADD brain thanked me for the opportunity to be especially ADD.

I said, "You're welcome." It might have been out loud.

But after a while of sitting on _my_ bed, thinking angry things to myself, I decided that I should probably shower and get some sleep. It was going to be a long month home if I had to deal with Hobo.

Like, seriously! Did they not have razors in jail?

Okay, stupid thought.

But did his face have to be that hairy? He looked like he belonged in the forest. Hmm… Maybe he was a were-wolf, changing back into his human form. That would explain the hair and the smell. I bet jail was just a cover up.

Yeah, totally made sense.

*X*X*

**EPOV**

It had actually happened. I couldn't believe it. My parents had actually let a legit, insane person into the house. They had lost it. _She_ had lost it.

I was currently sitting outside of _my_bedroom, my back pressed up against the door. There was no way I was going to give it up without a fight.

Crazy had no idea who she was going up against.

So I sat, and listened, and the longer I was there, the more I was convinced that this whole family needed to join the mental ward.

I heard her say things, random fucking things. Like _Scar, you're welcome,_ and even some laughing. Who laughed out loud to themselves? Crazy fucking people, that was who!

The clinically insane. The mentally handicapped. _That girl._

I sighed and continued on with my waiting. It would happen, eventually. She couldn't stay awake forever.

A little while after I heard the shower shut off, I listened for the sound of steady, heavy breathing. I prayed that she was a heavy sleeper…otherwise, I would be in deep shit.

But I was a smart man, and I had no doubt whether I would be able to pull this off. Crazy was going to pay.

My ears were amazing. After spending that long in prison, my senses needed to be keen. When I heard her deep snores- yeah, Crazy snored – I picked the lock to my room. Did she really think I didn't know how to do this?

I pushed the door open slowly, thankful that it didn't squeak, and tiptoed into the grand space. Before doing anything, I walked to the other side of the room and opened the door to the balcony. Damn, it was cold. I almost felt bad…almost.

I strode quietly back over to the bed and, as gently as I could, lifted Bella from her sleeping position; she stirred lightly in my arms, tucking herself into me. _This was weird. It was almost…nice…_Nope, not going there. Even though, she really was a lot more beautiful when that big mouth of hers wasn't yapping away.

While in prison, there were many nights when I thought about what my first night of freedom would look like. Carrying a hot woman out of my bed was never one of them. But, nonetheless, I carried Crazy out onto the balcony and laid her down gently, walking back inside to get a blanket. I chose the one from off the back of the couch that was on the other side of my room. I laid it over her carefully, trying to be at least a little nice, and walked back inside, locking the door securely and leaving the blinds wide open.

I wanted her to see in the morning just who got to sleep in that bed.

*X*X*

**BPOV**

I woke up sneezing. _Sneezing._And wheezing. What the junk?

I opened my eyes all the way, and I knew I couldn't actually be awake. I had to be dreaming. Dreams that consisted of being covered in snow!

No, no, no, I thought to myself. Alice was Snow White…not me!

I stood up and took in my surroundings.

"THAT MOTHERFUCKER!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. I whipped around and saw Fuck Face sleeping in my bed.

"You have GOT to be kidding me!" I exclaimed, picking up the blanket and reaching for the door handle.

Fuck, it didn't budge. I was boiling with anger. My skin had goose bumps from my extreme hate, not because of the extreme temperatures. I was so pissed; livid didn't even come close to describing it.

I was this close to punching in the glass on the door when I saw the sleeping bastard awake. He didn't even look over at me, but the smirk on his stupid hairy face let me know that he knew damn well I was no longer sleeping.

That stupid fucker trapped me out here. I started banging on the glass.

He laughed and finally got his ugly ass out of bed. Of course he had to do a full on stretch before he made his way over to the balcony. I saw a glimpse of his stupid abs. Ugh. I groaned to myself, or you know, out loud for all the damn squirrels to hear me.

"Good morning, yapper," he said when he opened the door. "Bella," he sighed, "what are you doing out there? You know, sleeping outside is for dogs." He chuckled and looked all smug.

So I sneezed right in his face.

"Fuck!" he swore, wiping off my snot.

I pushed him aside and stormed in, sneezing again. Great, now I was sick.

"I hate you so much, Scar! I can't believe you locked me outside all night!" My poor voice sounded so deep and full of sickness.

"You deserved it. This is my room!" he tried to reason.

"Don't even start with me about whose room this is. Daddy C is going to be so incredibly pissed when he finds out what you did!"

"Tattletale," he shot back, voice steady.

I turned around to face him head on. "Excuse me?" I seethed.

"You heard me. Tattletale."

My face must have been bright red, for all of my blood rushed straight to my head. Smoke had to have been escaping from my ears. "You will pay for what you did to me, Edward Cullen."

He smirked. "You can do whatever you want to me, Bella. But this bed is mine. Remember that."

"Oh, I'll give you something to remember," I said as I stormed into the attached bathroom to take a hot shower. And you better bet your ass I used all of that hot water. It was that shithead's turn to experience the cold.

I walked out of _my_ bathroom when I had finished, yeah, that shit belonged to me, too, and found my room thankfully vacant. I dressed quickly in a simple pair of jeans and cream color turtleneck sweater. I hastily threw my wet hair in a bun on top of my head, and I didn't even bother with any make up. I already felt the effects of spending the night in the artic creep up into my well being. I literally felt like a bobble head doll with my head so heavy from the approaching cold.

That stupid, annoying, homeless fucker. He didn't even make the bed after sleeping in it. I guffawed without humor at his thoughtlessness… How expected. I continued to strip the bed; I didn't want to crawl back into that mess after his nasty body sprawled out in it all night. The sheets smelled like smoke and bears.

Did we need to go back over my stance on bears?

I wondered silently to myself – no, I didn't always speak my delicate thoughts aloud – how I would get Fuck Face back for last night. I really just wanted to call up Daddy C, but Hobo-Joe called me out on that shit like he was my ten year old brother, which brought back awful memories of my foster years. I wouldn't succumb to that again. So, the next best thing was revenge.

I would go Taylor Swift on his ass. I, of course, would be the beautiful blonde, and Joe would most definitely be Kanye. Stealing my moment, stealing my bed…totally one in the same.

I had made my way downstairs, noticing the majority of the Cullens gathered together in the kitchen, only excluding Alice, who I guessed had left to go pick up Jasper. I saw that Scar was perched up on his little stool, shoving Esme's delicious biscuits into his disgusting hairy mouth.

I may have groaned out loud in repulsion because everyone turned around to look at me.

"Good morning, Bella!" Esme and Carlisle greeted, both of them welcoming me into an embrace.

"I'm sorry we didn't get to see you last night," Esme said, returning back to the stove. "You were already asleep when we got home." She seemed especially fidgety; I wondered what had gotten into her.

"Oh, Esme," I spoke sweetly, "I'm sorry, too. You guys missed quite the introduction between Edward and I. Isn't that right, Edward?" I addressed the now scowling hobo.

"You didn't miss a thing," he countered.

"Oh, Joe, don't be bashful! It was…so thrilling!" My voice feigned excitement. "You see, I was fast asleep in _my_ bed, and when I woke up, I saw this homeless man, which so hilariously turns out to be the charming son you never told me about, in bed with me! Ring any bells, Edward?"

"Edward!" Carlisle and Esme scolded at the same time.

"I didn't know she was there!" he reasoned. "When we got back, I just walked up to _my_ room and crawled into _my_ bed without a second thought. It was dark and quiet. How was I supposed to know that you let a stray dog into the house?"

They sighed. "I'm sorry, you guys," Carlisle said. "With all the craziness of yesterday, I didn't even think to explain to either of you about our situation." Carlisle seemed tense… Carlisle never seemed tense! I figured Edward's homecoming affected them, too.

"Don't worry about it, Daddy C. We worked it out." They shot me curious looks. "Edward, oh so kindly, offered to take up residence in the extra guest room from now on."

"I did?"

"He did?" they all said at the same time.

I nodded. "He did!" I wrapped my arm around Fuck Face. "Ain't he the sweetest?"

Esme smiled proudly, and Carlisle, with a small hint of skepticism, accepted with a nod.

"All right, then!" I exclaimed. "What's for breakfast? I'm starving!"

*X*X*

"Bella, did you put a load in the wash?" Esme asked me, walking into the living room.

We all had been gathered there for a few hours now. I was reading an updated fic on my laptop, Alice and Jasper were making out on the couch, Rose was painting her nails, and Emmett and Hobo-Joe were watching _Secret Life of the American Teenager._

"Oh yeah! I washed my sheets earlier today…they smelled kind of funky."

"Did they smell like piss?" Joe said smugly, keeping his eyes glued to all the pregnant ladies that the show provided.

"No…that wasn't it. It was more like a mix of bad body odor and cigarette smoke. It must have been when Edward crawled into it last night."

Everyone kind of stopped what they were doing and looked at Edward and me.

"I don't have body odor!"

"Yeah, says yourself," I reasoned, admittedly sounding like a thirteen year old school girl.

"At least I know how to use the bathroom. God, I haven't peed on myself in years."

"Yeah, Alice told me about that time in middle school. That must have been pretty traumatizing."

"What the hell are you talking about, Crazy?"

"Crazy! There you go with the crazy again! I told you, enough with that!"

"Crazy, crazy, crazy!"

"Hobo, hobo, hobo!"

We were literally yelling at each other across the living room.

"Wow, you two are pathetic," Rosalie said loudly, ending our back-and-forth name calling.

I huffed and sat back in my chair, crossing my arms. Now I was all angry again. How was I supposed to enjoy Harry and Cedric slash if I was this angry? I bitterly shut down my computer and made my way upstairs to my room. I was in no mood to be around anyone.

"Oh, no you don't!" Edward yelled, jumping up from the couch, running after me.

So, logically, I started sprinting up the steps.

"That is my room!" he yelled.

_Fuck._ "It is not!" I yelled back, climbing the stairs two at a time.

He and I were neck and neck when we reached the hallway of the third floor, and I literally threw myself into the bedroom. Sadly, he got there at the same time I did, and I couldn't lock him out.

"Get out!" I cried.

"You get out!"

"God, Joe, go be annoying somewhere else. I really don't want to be anywhere near you right now!"

"Then go to the guest room where you belong."

"I don't think so, buddy. You don't get to kick me out just because you came home from prison."

"You don't get to go and steal my room just because I was in prison!"

I huffed and sat heavily on the sheet-less bed. "Why were you in prison, anyway?" I asked. "No one even told me you existed!"

He sighed and sat down next to me. "Yeah, I told them not to tell anyone about me."

"What?"

"It's a long story, Bella. I don't really want to get into it."

"Fine," I grumbled. "Just do me a favor and stay away from me, okay?"

"I'll leave you alone as long as you get out of my room."

"You are like a ten year old, I swear!"

"Yeah, and your mouth doesn't seem to have an off button."

"And your body doesn't seem to have a face. Shit, I didn't even know someone could have that much hair. I bet you have lost rodents running around in there."

He half smiled. "I like it."

"Well, it's ugly, so it definitely fits you."

"Ouch," he said chuckling.

I rubbed my head. "You give me such a headache."

"Yeah, well you gave me your cold when you sneezed on me earlier."

"You locked me outside!"

"You were sleeping in my bed!"

"That's no good excuse!"

"Yeah, well, next time you'll know."

"I really, really hate you."

He smiled at me. "Feeling's mutual." We both sat in silence, both of us refusing to leave the room that we had claimed each as our own.

"So, why do you hate me so much?" he asked. "You know, besides for locking you outside."

I groaned. "Because you smell, and because you stole my bed."

He chuckled.

"Why do you hate me so much?"

"Because you yap, and because you stole my bed."

"I do not yap," I said softly. He laughed loudly.

"Oh, you most definitely yap!"

I huffed. "I might also hate you for something else."

"Yeah, me too."

"You go first," I said.

"I hate you for replacing me," he said scowling, almost embarrassed.

.

"What?" I said, looking at him, shocked.

"Don't make me go into it, Bella. You know exactly what I mean."

We both sighed. "So why else do you hate me?" he asked.

"Because…this is my only family. They didn't even tell me about you. I feel really, really excluded."

"Damn-it, Bella, don't feel that way. I asked them not to."

"How? You didn't even know I existed."

"Well, not you specifically, but they told me Alice had a friend come home sometimes a few years ago. I begged them not to tell you about me, to take down all the pictures, to keep me a secret. It was that way for everyone who met my family after I was sentenced."

"But why?"

"I didn't want to ruin your view of them."

"How would that ruin my view of this family?"

"Because it's not perfect. I'm the bad seed, the black sheep."

"I wouldn't have thought any less of them…or of you, for that matter."

He laughed without humor. "Thanks."

"This is the only room that I've ever gotten to call mine," I finally admitted.

"What?" he asked.

"I grew up in foster care. My dad died when I was two, and my mom went nuts. She tried to kill herself a few times, and they finally put her into a facility. She died during my senior year of high school."

"Wow, Bella. I'm really sorry."

"Oh, it's fine. I don't have many memories of them. But the foster program was tough, always moving into different houses with a ton of children. I never had my own space…until I came here."

"This place was always my escape," he admitted. "From the drugs, from the life I lived. It was my only place of purity."

"So you went to jail for drugs, then?"

"Uh, kind of. I got really messed up one night…my nineteenth birthday. I was out with a few friends, got really drunk, and took some heavier drugs. I ended up stealing a car and crashing it into some guy's house. I don't really remember it."

"Was everyone okay?" I asked.

"Thankfully, yeah. James got sent to rehab and was on probation for six months, and I got the five year deal since I was driving."

"That really sucks." Yeah, I had no other words…bite me.

"Yeah, well, I just had to pay for my actions. I had to take responsibility."

"Have you been clean since?"

"Oh yeah. Being fucked up in jail isn't the best idea. You always had to watch your back."

"So is what they say about dropping to soap true?"

He laughed again. "I guess. No one really approached me."

"Lucky you."

"Yeah, lucky," he mimicked.

"I'm glad you're out now."

"Are you?" He turned and looked at me seriously.

"I mean…my approaching sickness from sleeping outside all night isn't too thankful, but I am."

"Why is that?"

"Because now I get someone to yap at."

We both laughed this time. We sat quiet for a little bit after that.

Fuck Face looked around the room. "These posters really do have to go," he grumbled.

"Oh, no, no, no. I don't think so. That is Justin Timberlake!"

"I know who he is, Bella. He's been around for over a decade now. I'm just not okay with having teeny-bopper posters in my bedroom."

"Okay, we really need to settle this whole 'whose bedroom this is' thing."

"That's easy. It's mine."

"You really are ten, aren't you?"

He smiled. "Okay, let's make a deal. We can switch off. I'll have it one night, and then you can have it the next."

"Is that the best I'm going to get?"

"You bet your ass it is."

"Ugh, fine. I get it tonight, then."

"Yeah, yeah, I guess you deserve it since you did sleep on the balcony."

"Bastard," I mumbled. He laughed.

"By the way," I said. "If you touch these posters, I will kill you."

*X*X*

So Joe and I were on common ground – got it. I still thought he smelled, though. He finally left me alone in _my_ room, and I was able to enjoy my fanfiction in peace and quiet. But I eventually got bored.

I internally admitted that I missed having someone to yap at. And I was not a yapper! But the hobo was fun to mess with. I especially enjoyed it when he would get all angry and the skin between his eyebrows got all crinkly. I giggled. His face could get so ugly at times.

I tried to think of ways to get him back. I didn't really think the whole getting him to agree to stay in the guest bedroom in front of Esme and Daddy C did it, considering Joe and I had come to our own agreement.

I scratched my head…literally…or was the term scratching my brain? How the heck was I supposed to scratch my brain? Damn-it.

Now I'm just off course. _Hobo-Joe,_right.

_Hmmm_, I thought, hoping if I hummed out loud a thought would come to me sooner. It totally worked. I was a fucking genius, remember?

Joe had stated multiple times that he found me attractive… Sure, some of those times he told me he thought I was prettier without the continuous talking, but nonetheless. He thought I was hot stuff. I wiped the dirt off my shoulder like a true gangsta.

I got off the bed and started searching through my clothes. Maybe the prospect of having a fun Christmas wasn't ruined after all.

After finding my tight gray dress and black heels that I really had intended for Christmas Eve, I dressed, applied some make-up, and took my hair out of the dreaded bun on top of my head. Because I'd had it curled up there all day, when I let it fall down my back, it laid in large, natural waves.

Yeah, I had kick ass hair, totally went along with the rest of me. I laughed at my own conceitedness. Maybe it just helped that I didn't find the hobo attractive at all. Sure, he was tall, and lean, and sculpted, and had great abs, and…

_Fuck_. Okay, so maybe I found him slightly attractive. But just in the smallest bit, though. His face still grossed me out. Maybe if I'd set mouse traps around the bedroom, the rodents would come out of his beard, and he would be so grossed out that he would force himself to shave.

Okay, now I was just being ridiculous. Back to plan: "Stealing back my fucking Disney Christmas from Hobo-Joe." Wow, that was a long fucking title for a relatively simple plan. My ADD was very excited.

I high-fived my reflection in the bathroom mirror and headed downstairs. It was just past seven, and Esme was putting the finishing touches on the dinner table.

"Can I help you with anything?" I asked, walking into the dining room.

"Oh, Bella! Don't you look nice!"

I blushed; yeah, I sought out Esme's approval. She was the only mom I really had. "Thanks," I said shyly. Where the hell had all of my confidence gone?

Ugh. I mentally listed off all the reasons why I made it _hot in hurr_ when I heard someone else walk into the room. The hair on the back of my neck stood up and a huge grin spread across my face. I knew it could only be one person. Only one Cullen had that affect on me.

"Daddy C!" I said excitedly, turning around to see Carlisle taking a seat at the table.

"Hi, Bella! You look nice! What's the occasion?"

"Oh, this old thing? I guess living with Alice is just rubbing off on me, after all!"

He laughed, and I was thankful he took the blatant lie. I purposely left the room and walked into the kitchen. If I wanted my plan of seduction to work, I had to make a grand entrance in front of Joe.

After I was sure that everyone was seated at the table, _I might have used some old school spy techniques to figure out this information,_I took a deep breath and strode through. My head was held high, my legs looked extra long, thanks to the killer heels, and my hips literally sashayed.

I felt good, I felt strong, I felt…the floor.

And then I heard the laughter. I groaned and allowed Emmett to help me off the ground. Fucking, fuckady, fuck. Stupid, stupid, stupid, Bella. I tried to save face, and I put on a smile, taking my seat eloquently. Unfortunately, I was seated right across from a now very laughing, still very ugly, no longer, never really was, homeless man. I could have smacked that ugly smile off of his ugly face.

"You okay there, yapper?" he asked, bellowing with laughter after he got out the words.

"Oh, I'm fine. How are you, Joe? Enjoying your first real supper in five years?"

The rest of the people around the table got eerily silent, but the hobo kept laughing.

"It's fantastic. Almost as fantastic as that display you just put on for us. Come up to my room later, you can give me a repeat performance." He tried smiling seductively; obviously, he still needed a lot of practice in the art of seduction.

Suddenly remembering my plan, I slowly glided my foot up his covered leg. The hairy smile was gone very quickly. "Yeah, I bet you would like me to _fall_ on something else."

Emmett laughed. "Bella made a sex joke."

Rosalie smacked him for me. _God, I love her._

"So, uh, Edward," Carlisle cut in. "Tomorrow we need to do some shopping."

"Shopping?" Alice, of course, out of the whole conversation fixated on that word.

"Shopping for what? I don't need to go shopping!"

"Well, you need some new clothes. Everything else you have is from high school."

He shrugged. "I like my clothes."

"Yeah, because you look especially homeless while wearing them." I chuckled. "I know a place where you can go shopping! It's a cute little place, right behind Walmart."

"I thought there was only a dark alley behind Walmart," Esme said, confused.

"Oh, it's perfect! There are so many different dumpsters to choose from!"

Everyone laughed, Daddy C and Esme included, yeah they got my humor, but Edward just scowled at me. I had yet to remove my foot, which was now so expertly placed between his thighs. My toes pressed against the obvious hardness that had appeared over the last few seconds. I rubbed my foot steadily along him, watching his face for a reaction.

"Okay, I'll go shopping. As long as Bella goes with me. She seems to be the expert on fashion advice." _Fucker._

Alice scoffed, and I hastily removed my foot from his groin. I hated shopping.

"That sounds like a great idea!" Esme exclaimed.

I groaned out loud.

"It's a date then," Edward said, winking at me.

_Gross_.

"Looking forward to it," I said, sweetness lacing my voice

"But why should we wait until tomorrow?" he continued. "The stores are open later for the holiday season. We can go tonight! You can wear that killer dress."

"You're just packed full of so many good ideas," I shot.

He smirked. "I'm packed full with many _good_things," he hinted. I gagged. Emmett laughed. _Typical._

"Okay, Eddie. Tonight sounds great, then. Ohhh! You still meant the shopping. Right, right. That sounds great, too."

I noticed something flash across his deep green eyes, but he quickly covered it up by winking at me again.

That time it wasn't as gross.

*X*X*

"I need you to drive," he said, tossing me the keys to Carlisle's Mercedes.

"Damn straight, I'm driving! I love this flippin' car!" I may have pranced, with a special little twirl to boot, to Daddy C's love machine.

"Did you just call this Daddy C's love machine?" Edward asked incredulously.

_Shit_. Did I say that out loud?

"Just get in the damn car." He complied while laughing his tight, little ass off. Yeah, I said he had a tight, little ass. So what?

While I was driving the love bug, Edward had to mess with all of the radio controls. "God, don't they have any good music anymore?" he complained.

I dug through my purse on the center console and pulled out my iPod. "Here, put this in."

He did as asked, and soon we were blessed with the lovely sounds of the Backstreet Boys.

"Wow, I'm shocked!"

"What?" I asked, confused.

"I would have thought for sure you would have been totally against BSB, you know, since they were direct rivals with Nsync."

I looked over at him, shocked. "You're really caught up on your boy band knowledge!"

He smiled shyly. "I may know a thing or two."

"I'm pleasantly surprised, Mr. Hobo."

"I'm glad, Ms. Yapper."

We sang happily, well, I was very happy, I wasn't sure about Joe, "Quit Playing Games With My Heart," all the way to the store.

But damn, Edward was one pain in the ass to shop with. Holy shit, people! I had never seen one man try on so many different articles of clothing in one sitting. And, to make things even worse, he made me sit in the dressing area with him. I had to either approve or deny every outfit. It was like our own Project Runway.

"You're so fucking annoying," I told him, after sitting in the store for an hour. I, of course, approved every outfit, hoping it would move the beauty queen along. He was much pickier.

"I just want to have nice clothes, Bella. I've been in an orange jumpsuit for way too damn long."

I groaned. "Okay, okay, point taken. Just come out of the room, let me see what you have on now."

The bastard came out in just his boxers…his very tight, jet black, man panties.

"Edward!" I shouted, covering my eyes. He giggled,_yes, a grown man fucking giggled,_ and ran back into the locked room.

"You are so gross."

He laughed, coming out of the room again, this time, thankfully, in a pair of jeans.

"Do you really find me that repulsive, yapper?" He spoke seductively.

"Yes," I confirmed, refusing to look at him. I knew his stupid abs would be back, with his stupid defined chest, and his stupid hip lines. "Question, though!" I said, lifting my eyes and fully taking in his body. I stood up and ran my hand down his chest, switching on the sexy charm. His breath hitched, and I knew I was on my mark. I tantalizingly traced patterns with my fingers across his torso. "If you have so much hair on your face, why don't you have much hair on your chest, and more importantly, what does this hair…" I traced his happy trail, "lead to when excited?"

He smirked, his hands dancing to my sides to hold me to him. "I already told you, I'm packed _full_ of many good things."

"Hmm," I hummed thoughtfully, "I always heard the best things come in small packages? Something you want to tell me, Hobo?"

"If that's the case, _Bella_, you are going to be very disappointed with my anything-but-small package."

I pressed myself up tighter to him, lightly roaming my hands along his chest, his sides, and hooking my fingers at the top of his jeans, the tips of them disappearing under the waist band, teasing, taunting.

"Fuck, Bella," he practically moaned.

"Is something wrong, Edward?" I asked innocently.

He tried to regain himself. "Nope, not at all."

"Good," I said, removing myself and picking up my purse. "Now get dressed, I want to go sleep in _my_ bed."

I went straight to my bedroom when we got back, and I enjoyed the crap out of it. It was like my first night in here all over again.

The next few days, however, went by quickly, and for the most part, uneventfully. The hobo and I, of course, exchanged not-so-nice words back and forth, and I might have worn extra low cut clothing and tight jeans, and he maybe walked around in just his boxers most of the time, but really, it was totally uneventful.

But soon it was Christmas Eve, my second favorite day of the year. I woke up really early that morning from my bed, yes, the night before was my night again, and I showered quickly, making myself all presentable for the hobo to drool over.

I was downstairs in the kitchen before everyone else, making breakfast for the family. When eleven rolled around, I couldn't help but constantly turn my head in search for Fuck Face. He never showed.

"Where is Joe?" I asked Alice.

"I'm not sure. He left the house earlier this morning."

Hmmph, I pouted to myself. _Whoa, yapper, why are you so excited to see Joe?_ Did you just call me yapper? I accused my inner monologue! _Get over it, yapper. Go find your hobo._

I surrendered to my pushy-inner-being and left the kitchen, running into a stranger in the foyer. I saw the long, lean legs first, dressed in a pair of very fitted dark jeans, and my eyes roamed up to his torso, which was wrapped tightly in a white button down. _Oh, I was such a sucker for white button downs_. I might have let out a moan, just a wee-one, though. I had never been so attracted to a man in my entire life.This one even beat out Daddy C. I know, shocking.

_Oh, well, hello!_ I cooed internally.

"Uh, hello?"

_Damn-it!_ Was that out loud again?

"Yes, it was."

I threw my arms up in defeat. "I'm sorry, who are you?" I asked the beautiful looking man before me. I took time to ogle his fascinating jaw line, his strong, long neck, his ruby lips. His eyes were piercing green, bold, dark, inviting but powerful. His hair was short, mused sexily, but calm, tamed. This man would make the perfect porn candidate…I needed to tell my Twitter whores ASAP.

Prince Charming – yeah, he got a Disney name, too – just laughed. "You are a funny one, yapper," he said, walking right past me and into the kitchen.

WHAT! _No…_ It couldn't be!

"HOBO-JOE!" I yelled, completely shocked. "Is that you?"

He turned around. "Merry Christmas Eve, Bella," he said winking and then walked away.

I was left, speechless, unable to move. Fuck Face had a face…a very pretty face. A very, very fuckable face. Well, I'd be damned.

"You shaved your beard off! And did you get a hair cut!" I followed him into the kitchen. I watched as he grabbed an apple from the fridge and took a huge, juicy bite out of it. I watched as his lips went around the fruit and how his tongue made sure he got every last bit of juicy goodness. _Get a grip, Bella._

"Yes, Bella, get a grip." He started laughing again.

I groaned and left the kitchen. "I get the room tonight!" he yelled after me.

"No, shit, Sherlock," I spat bitterly. I needed to get a grip on things…quickly. Very, very quickly.

The rest of the day was a blur. Alice and I did our last minute shopping, and while I was out, I was able to pick up my gift for Joe. It was the best gift ever, if I said so myself. I ordered it off Amazon a few days ago, and I was extremely happy Fed-Ex delivered like Santa Claus himself.

The fucker would love it.

It was family tradition to exchange gifts on Christmas Eve, that way on Christmas we could sleep in and just enjoy the day together as a family. Yes, it was sappy; no, I didn't give a shit. This was my family, and this was how we did things.

Alice, bless her heart, gave me my Christmas present early. She surprised me in the guest room, handing me a perfectly wrapped green gift. I opened it, and inside was a stunning short, black dress. Apparently, it was some fancy designer name, but my fashion I.Q. was seriously depressing. I loved the thing, anyway!

After dolling ourselves up, while of course listening to late 90's blessed music, we made our way downstairs and joined the rest of the Cullen clan in the living room. The tree was all lit up, packed full of presents underneath, and Christmas music was playing in the background. It was like a Hallmark card…that sang. Yeah, those were the shit.

Edward, Joe, Hobo, Scar, Fuck Face, whatever the heck I decided to call him, was sitting on the ground, his back resting on the edge of the couch. He had on black dress pants, a black undershirt, and a black and gray stripped vest. Oh, he looked good. Fuck, I was in trouble.

I'd purposely ignored him all day after our kitchen run in, but now I was forced to sit in his beautiful, homeless-glory presence. He looked up when I walked in, and he didn't even try to disguise his ogling of me. A smirk resided on his now hairless face, and his eyes roamed slowly up my body. At least I knew I still had the same affect on him.

Maybe I could finish this after all.

"Hi, Joe," I said slowly, sitting down on the couch next to where he was sitting so my smooth, long legs were right in his face. Yeah, he loved that shit. He tipped his head back, looking at me upside down.

"Hi, yourself, yapper." He lifted up his arm so it rested on my crossed legs, his hand running up and down my calf.

_Damn, he was good at this._ "You're awfully touchy tonight," I commented.

"Don't pretend you don't like it when I touch you."

I shrugged, indifferent.

He laughed, scooting impossibly closer. Yeah, okay, so I liked it when the hobo touched me. My inner-self giggled, my outer-self rolled her eyes at her.

We got started with the present opening, all the big dolla shit being tossed around. I got Alice some Louie V sunglasses and a Kate Spade bag, she squealed like the small rodents she loved so much. I didn't really pay much attention to what other people got. But I noticed Joe. I noticed his hands, his fingers, as they made patterns on my bare skin. I noticed his chest, as it rose and fell with each breath. I noticed his smile…now that it wasn't covered in hair, it was really quite beautiful.

I leaned down so my mouth was right next to Edward's ear, my nose making a small path around it before I spoke. "I got something for you," I whispered.

"Bella, what the fuck? I didn't get you anything," he said panicky.

I chuckled. "Don't worry, Hobo, the gift I got you is really for both of us. I left it in your…well, _my_ bedroom…for later," I hinted.

He smiled wide, squeezing my leg. Yeah, I had him.

It was my turn to open my gift from Esme and Daddy C, and boy, they did not disappoint. I opened up the long black box and removed a silver charm bracelet, with a charm of the Cullen crest dangling beautifully.

"Everyone in the family has one, Bella," Esme explained. "It was only right you would get one, too."

I gushed like a child, hugging my parents tightly. Yeah, fuckers, I told you this was my family.

We finished our gift giving and we all just stayed in the living room for a while, talking and catching up. Esme and Daddy C had relaxed significantly about Edward's homecoming this past week, making the room calm and inviting again. We were a perfect, huge family. All of our different quirks and personalities fit together perfectly.

I suddenly remembered my reason for buying the camera for the Cullen's, and I forced everyone up so we could take a family picture.

Edward groaned. "I hate pictures," he complained. "Why do we have to do this?"

"Shut it, Hobo. I just want to make sure this is a Christmas that we'll always remember."

"I think this is a Christmas to remember without the picture," he mumbled.

"Sit your ass down and smile pretty," I said, pushing him on the couch and taking a seat on his lap.

The self timer on the camera went off and snapped…forever marking this moment, this family…this Christmas.

*X*X*

I went to bed earlier than the others, exhausted from waking up so early that morning. I climbed into the bed of the guest room and snickered at what Edward would find waiting for him in his room. Again, best Christmas present ever.

I lay there, tired but unable to fall asleep. My mind kept wandering to my delicious looking Fuck Face. He really was very pretty. But part of me missed his hobo beard. It made him my hobo. My Hobo-Joe.

It had been a full day of sexual frustration, hell, a whole week of sexual tension. And it wasn't like I brought Old Faithful to Forks with me. I sighed, now worked up and really unable to sleep. I thought about how his long fingers stung my legs, how his body looked when he walked around the house half naked, how delicious he smelled now that he wasn't using a public, prison shower.

I shut my eyes tightly, pushing my reindeer-silk pajama pants down my legs and throwing them on the floor. I felt the tank top had to go, too, since it matched the pants. The reindeers shouldn't be lonely.

My mind really was messed up. Why the hell was I thinking about reindeer while pleasuring myself? ADD was such a bitch sometimes.

I tried to refocus, Joe, Joe, Joe…_Edward, Edward, Edward._ Strong, fit, sexy, delicious, Edward. His smile, his laugh, his deep voice, his piercing green eyes. I pushed my fingers through my slick folds and moaned at the deep feelings spreading through my body. My back arched slightly off the bed as I pushed my fingers in deeper, in and out, switching between stroking inside of me and making small circles around the other sensitive parts of that fuck awesome area.

My fingers were soaked, and my moans got louder. I tried to be quiet, but I really wasn't good at that. Like Joe had said, I was a yapper.

"Oh, fuck!" a deep voice bellowed next to me.

I snapped my eyes open at the words that most definitely weren't mine.

My hobo was standing next to my bed, his face still as stone, shocked…turned on? Well, I would have fucking hoped so.

"Don't stop. Please, don't fucking stop," he pleaded, his eyes roaming down my naked body.

"Come here," I said. He complied, climbing on to the bed, still in his Christmas suit. I pushed him up so he was kneeling, his cute little ass resting on the back of his legs, and I sat up in front of him in all of my naked glory. His eyes devoured me, a low growl escaping his lips.

I took his arm, releasing the cuff link in his shirt before going to the next. I was slow, tantalizing. I worked through the vest next, pushing each button through and removing it from his shoulders. Edward kissed my neck while I worked through the buttons of his black dress shirt, finally revealing his beautiful, sculpted chest.

When I was finished, I crawled up onto his lap and took his right arm. I held his hand in mine, bringing it to my mouth and kissing the pad of each finger before slowly running it down my neck, chest, and stomach, finally placing it where I most wanted him.

He played me slowly, and I writhed on top of him deliciously. I wrapped my arms around his neck as he worked me from the inside out. His fingers were long, reaching, talented, knowing. His heavy breathing egged me on, pushing me further. He leaned me back slightly so he could take my breast into his mouth, running his tongue over my wanting nipple, grazing it with his teeth to make me fall faster.

I gripped onto him tightly, running my hands through his silky hair, as he listened to the deep sounds that came out of my mouth, matching the burn that was building in my body.

The pressure increased, and he sped up his actions.

"Look at me," he demanded. I complied; he could have told me to do anything in that moment and I would have done it.

When I met his eyes, they were blazing. I had never seen a more beautiful color green. But then he cut off his eyes and gave me his mouth, kissing me so hard, with so much passion and desire. All the tension, the banter, the back and forth between us were put into this kiss. It was a kiss to last for centuries. It was a kiss that sent me over.

I spiraled down in his arms, my lips unable to hold the kiss as sounds of pleasure escaped my mouth instead. He kept with his actions, bringing me to the highest of heights, all while continuing his incredible kisses down my neck. And all with his damn fingers. Fuck, this guy was talented.

I collapsed heavily on his lap, when I came down from my Hobo-high, and he pushed me back into the bed, lying on top of me. And, let me tell you, there was nothing better than almost naked Hobo-Joe lying on top of you.

"You need to get naked, Joe," I said breathlessly.

He kissed me then, pushing his tongue into my mouth, dancing, exploring, devouring. Mmmm…hobo kisses. I really, really liked some hobo kisses.

He finally broke away, breathless. "I came down here to yell at you," he admitted. "And then I find you doing that. Fuck, Bella," he panted.

"What?" My post orgasmic, foggy brain couldn't keep up. "Why were you going to yell at me?"

"Because of the fucking Christmas present you got me, yapper!"

Ahhh, _that._ "Did you not like it?" I asked sweetly.

"Bella…you bought me Nsync sheets and Justin Timberlake pillow cases," he deadpanned.

I laughed hard, throwing my neck back. He grabbed the opportunity and kissed me there.

"I'm going to get you for that." He removed himself from me and stood up.

"Where are you going?" I asked, worried. He responded taking the top sheet off the bed, wrapping it around me and lifting me up off the bed and into his arms bridal style.

"We're not doing this here."

"What, why?"

"Because we've been fighting about that damn bed for a week. If I'm going to make love to you, yapper, it will be on _my_bed."

"You mean _my_ bed," I seconded.

"Don't test me."

"So we're really going to do it on the JT sheets?" I asked excitedly as he climbed the stairs, carefully looking out to make sure there were no spectators running through the house.

He laughed. "Consider it my Christmas present to you."

"Yes!" I said, high fiving myself.

"You really are my crazy, aren't you?" He laughed, shaking his head.

I kissed his neck. "And you really are my hobo."

*X*X*

So, it's official. Fuck Face knew how to fuck. Oh, he fucked me so good. We lay in bed together the next morning. I fell asleep on my back, passed out from pure exhaustion, and he collapsed on top of me, wrapping his strong arms securely around my body, staying that way throughout the night.

Last night was the shit. I got the Christmas present I waited three years to get. A taste of the magic Cullen Christmas special. Yes, it was the for real white shit I thought I would have gotten with Daddy C all those years ago.

But the hobo served up quite a delicious special, himself.

Nom, nom, nom.

"What the hell are you saying?" Joe asked groggily.

"What?" I responded, confused. I thought I was talking to myself.

"What is a nom?" He lifted his head to look at me, his green eyes sparkling.

"A what?"

He chuckled and kissed me. "Never mind, yapper." He kissed me again. "Merry Christmas."

I pulled his face back to mine, totally aware of the morning breath but not really giving a fuck. "Merry Christmas, yourself."

"Mmm, that it is." He shifted, and Santa's sleigh was back to life, ready to give me the ride of my life.

"Don't tease me, Hobo. Give it to me," I begged, writhing underneath him.

"What's the magic word?" he taunted.

"Fuck me now, or I'll do it myself."

He laughed, easing into me. Yeah…fucker was good. Real good. And all of it for JT to watch.

This was the best fucking Christmas ever.

XXXX

**End Notes: **

**Thanks for reading! – Hope you laughed along with their craziness. **

**Please review! **


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Here is chapter 2! Finally! I hope this one lives up to the original oneshot…Thanks to all who reviewed asking for more!**

**Lizzylillyrose – thank you so much for loving on the Hobo and forcing me to finish this chapter! Big hairy kisses to you for being such an awesome prereader and friend!**

**And thanks to AngelGoddess1981 for your lovely beta skills! **

**Remember – this is not supposed to be a serious fic. So, just relax, take a deep breath, and prepare yourselves to enter into the world of Crazy… **

**EPOV**

"Everybody, groove to the music! Everybody…JAM!"

_Oh my God, I was going to kill her._

"We've been waiting so long, just can't hold it back no more!"

"Bella! SHUT IT!"

"If you really want to see what we can do for you now… Jam on cuz' Backstreets got it, come on now everybody, we've got it going on for years!"

I shot open the door to the bathroom, the steam from the room impairing my vision. I could hear Bella singing a stupid Backstreet Boys song all the way from downstairs… not an easy feat when the noise is coming from three stories up. And don't judge the fact that I knew it was a BSB song, okay.

"Bella, I swear, if you don't shut your mouth I'm going to…"

"You're going to do what, Joe?" She opened up the curtain as she responded, the steam not being thick enough to see her entire naked body. Her very naked, wet, steamy… _I was so fucked._

"Is something wrong, Hobo?" she snickered. She popped her hip out to one side and lifted her arm up so it held the curtain rod. I shut my eyes momentarily and shook my head.

"Nope, no, not a thing," I relayed, eyes still shut. I heard her laugh and re-close the curtain. I opened my eyes to safe territory and released a deep breath.

"But God, Bella, if you use anymore water the bears in the forest are going to die of thirst."

"Good," she muttered. "I'll be sure to take my time, then."

"You know, one day you're going to have to get over this fear of bears."

"I do not!" she fought, her pitch raising to that of a pubescent boy.

I laughed, pushing the buttons through my shirt before sliding it off of my shoulders. Her singing started back up… the song changing.

"Don't pretend you're sorry! I know you're not."

I laughed again, she was a terrible singer. Nick Carter would burn his ears off if he heard her interpretation of his music. Again, don't ask how I knew who Nick Carter was, details weren't important.

I continued with my jeans next, pushing them down my thighs in a swift move alongside my boxers.

"Baby, I can't help it! You keep me drowning in your loveeeeeee!"

"Crazy, shh," I whispered, stepping into the shower.

She ignored me.

"Every time I breathe, I take you in, and my heart beats again! Baby I can't help it!"

I came up behind her and wrapped my arms around her waist.

"You keep me drowning in your love," I finished, singing the words into her ear. I, on the other hand, had the voice of a fucking angel.

"Mmm, is it playtime with the homeless man?"

"Nope, just sexin' time with the insane. I have to figure out some way to shut that yapper."

She giggled, yeah my girl giggled. _My girl?_

She twisted her body and faced me, my hands gliding along her taut stomach as she moved. She reached up and laced her fingers in my hair.

"So if you had to choose, would you rather have sing-a-longs with me in this shower, or soap-drop-derbies in jail?

She laughed… hard. There was nothing more annoying than someone laughing at their own joke. But I let it slide, she wasn't annoying, she was just crazy.

"You're funny, really," I dead-panned, adding a smirk and a slap to her ass. She squealed and shimmied against me, causing Joe Jr. to come to life. _Don't ask, she named him that earlier…_

"THE HOBO IS OUT OF THE BOX!" she shouted excitedly.

I laughed, pushing her up against the wall. She did her happy dance, ending it with her signature self-high-five.

"You have _got_ to stop doing that," I said seriously.

"Doing what?" she asked in legit confusion. Just as I was about to comment, she cut me off. "You know what this reminds me of?"

"You're ADD gets on my nerves," I growled, resting my head in the crook of her neck.

She disregarded my outburst and continued on. "Remember last week, you know, when you stole my Beanie Baby collection and set them on fire in the back yard, because I stole all of your underwear and strung them as decorations for New Years?"

"Yes, I remember." I laughed recalling her face as she saw her little animals melt away.

"So to get you back, I switched out your hair gel with lube."

I lifted my head and looked at her blankly. "You did what?"

"Yeah, I high-fived myself then, too."

**x-x-x**

**BPOV**

"Edward!"

"Edward, Edward, Edward!" Alice shouted.

"Edward, come on, pleaseee!" she begged.

"E-D-W-A-R-D! What does that spell? YOU'RE AN ASS!"

Joe didn't even lift his head from the video game he was playing to entertain his sister's incredibly annoying ramblings. Instead, his eyes stayed glued to his character, one that he fought dirty to win...

_"Bella, enough, you do not get to choose that one."_

_"Why the hell not? If I want it, then I should get it!" I whined, crossing my arms over my chest and stomping my foot. He ignored my foot rampage, but looked clearly at the risen girls my v-neck sweater provided._

_"This is Mario-Cart, I let you choose the game, so I get to pick who I want to be first," he argued._

_"That's not even fair. You're the one who asked to play video games, and when you wanted to play "How to Train Your Dragon: DELUX EDITION!" there was no way in hell I was going to agree to that! I'm sorry; I am not interested in working in the field so I can earn enough money to buy a toothbrush to brush the fucking dragon's molars!"_

_"They do not have molars, Bella, now you're just being mean. And besides, we made a deal, now come on let me choose! I think you're just being sexist."_

_"I'm not sexist! I'm just always Princess Peach! It's not fair that you chose her, too!"_

_"Listen, Bells, Peach is a great win, she's fast, and smart…the whole blonde hair does nothing to stop her."_

_"UH duh! I know! That's why I want to be her, too! God, you're so annoying."_

_We both huffed, pouting on our spots on the couch._

_"I get to be the princess," I finally stated._

_"NO, I GET TO BE THE PRINCESS!" he shouted._

_Emmett and Rosalie chose that moment to walk in the door. Edward turned beat red…_

_"Okay, babe, you can be the princess," I snickered, patting his back._

_He laughed. "Ha! GOT YA! Emmett already knows I'm the prettiest princess of them all."_

_"You have serious problems," I said bitterly, angry that I had to be the toad now. No one liked the fucking toad._

_He smiled over at me and winked. "Thanks."_

"Edward, I swear if you don't answer me, I will set your room on fire!" Alice yelled, grabbing my attention.

"Whoa, no harsh threats about the room, there, sista," I scolded, lifting my eyes from the intense, lava-Bowser-race match-up.

"Ha!" Edward exclaimed, fist pumping in the air when he crossed the finish line.

I rolled my eyes and smacked him in the chest. "I just saved our room, asshole, a little credit, please?"

"Don't be so dramatic, Yaps, she wasn't really going to do anything."

"Yaps? Geeze, Joe, that's worse than Yapper."

He smiled, locking eyes with mine. "Yaps, Chaps, Laps, Maps, Cats… I can go on forever."

"Okay, cats does not rhyme with yaps, you are seriously dumb. And besides, things rhyme with yapper, too. Like flapper, mapper, strapper, cadapper."

"Those aren't real words, Crazy. Now looks who's being stupid."

"Joe, moe, foe, lo, co, so…"

"STOP! Seriously, just stop it!" Alice screeched, covering her ears. Her nose was bright red…usually when people got angry, their whole face would get red…but, poor thing, just her nose would shine away like Rudolf's.

It made me giggle.

"Bella, shut the fuck up."

Edward turned to look at his sister and gave her the stop sign with his hand. "Take a time out there, Alice," Edward said in my defense. "No one gets to tell the Yapper to shut the yapper except for me." 

"And that doesn't even work," I replied, rolling my eyes.

"Wanna bet?" he challenged.

"Okay, wow, I seriously give up on the two of you," Alice pouted, storming off.

"Aw, Alice, come back," I mumbled as Edward tried to cover my mouth with his hand, attempting to silence me.

I bit him.

"OW! Bella, fuck…that's only cool when we're fucking!"

"UGH!" Alice groaned, choosing to continue walking away instead of telling us what she originally wanted to.

"Look what you did, asshole. Now she's upset."

"Eh." He shrugged. "Wanna go another round?"

I smacked him upside the head, standing up to go find his sister. 

"Alice? Alice, come back, we're sorry!" I followed her into the kitchen where she pulled the tequila out from the freezer with a mischievous grin dancing on her face.

"Ohhh boy! I know what that means!"

She just laughed. "Don't get any big ideas, this is just my own form a therapy for dealing with you and my asshead brother."

"Al, you are not going to drink without me… They have a name for people who drink by themselves."

"College students?" she offered.

"Oh, I was gonna say The Real Housewives of Atlanta, but sure, that works, too."

I looked in the cupboard and found two smaller glasses, bypassing finding individual shot glasses. My laziness had no bounds.

"So, do you want to know what I wanted to talk to you guys about?"

"Uh, when?"

"When you were playing Mario Cart!" she exclaimed.

"You mean when you threatened to burn down my bedroom?"

"Yeah, that."

"Okay, sure," I agreed.

"So guess what I found online."

"Rob porn?"

"Well…yes, but no. Guess what's going on tonight at the community center?"

"B-I-N-G-O," I spelled out each letter individually.

"Try K-A-R-A-O-K-E," she mimicked.

"What does that spell?"

She rolled her eyes but continued. "Karaoke, you dumb shit."

"NO WAY! We haven't done karaoke since freshmen year!"

"Yeah, which was the best night ever. I totally slept with Jacob, captain of the Lacrosse team, that night."

I turned red, grabbing the tequila bottle and pouring us some shots.

"Bella Swan," she said slowly. "Why is your face the color of an infected vagina?"

"Oh, nothing. Shot?" I held her the glass.

"Why exactly was that night so good for you?" she inquired.

"Because I totally rocked the B. Spears shimmy, duh." I threw the drink back, grimacing as it slid down.

"And…"

"…Uh…Because, well, maybe I-might-have-slept-with-him-too," I slurred all at once, immediately drinking her shot that she had yet to savor.

"That same night?"

"Yes."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Uh, because I didn't think it would go over well?"

"Was it before or after him and I did it?"

"Al, does it matter?"

"What are you girls talking about?" Edward mumbled, joining us in the kitchen. "You girls are drinking? Really? It's only just after six."

"Don't judge, Hobo, just enjoy." I thrust the glass I had poured toward him and he just looked at it. "I poured him a shot, and he hesitated," I narrated. Seriously, he hesitated. I wouldn't make that shit up. "Insert question mark here, Joe. What's wrong?"

He smirked evilly. "Climb up on the table," he ordered.

"You guys are so gross," Alice complained as she recognized Joe's plan and stalked out of the kitchen.

I happily complied, lifting my shirt so my stomach was in full view. "Wait!" I exclaimed. "You need a lemon. No body shot is any good if its not citrus-y."

"Nothing is good without a lemon, Crazy. Good thinking." He quickly grabbed a slice from the fridge and put it in my mouth, as he continued to pour the shot down my abs, while he stood next to me by the table. His tongue reached out, and he seductively sucked on my skin, enjoying the burn of the liquid as I enjoyed the delicate burn of his proximity. The hair on his face had started to grow back, and it prickled against my stomach. When he was done retrieving his personal brand of tequila, he raced to my mouth, pulling out the lemon and making quick use of it before his lips found mine again.

He kissed me hard as I laid pressed down on Esme's kitchen table. My hands instinctively grabbed his face, gluing it to mine as his tongue took on full search and rescue mode of my mouth. I moaned involuntarily, causing Edward to respond further, lifting himself onto the table and directly above me. He pressed himself down carefully, holding himself up on his forearms next to my head.

"You're so fucking hot, Edward," I sighed when I came up for air.

"Right back at ya, baby."

"Do you want to know what we're doing tonight?"

"Bella, just fucking focus on kissing me, right now, okay," he mumbled, frustrated with my off topic discussion.

"Just guess, please," I begged.

"Hopefully having sex?" he laughed, making his way down my neck, his tongue making intricate patterns on my skin.

"Only if you're an extra, special bad fucker."

"Please don't ever use bad and fucker in the same sentence that is regarding me again."

I laughed, wrapping my legs around him and pulling him down into me. "You're going to be singing songs tonight, Fuck Face."

"Songs, singing, what?"

"That's right, baby. Karaoke!"

He lifted his head from my body. "Oh, hell no," he said seriously. "No fucking way. No, no, no, no, no."

"Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes," I sung with pure giddiness.

"I already knew you were crazy, but I'm going to admit you to the mental ward if you think there is any way in hell that I'm going to sing karaoke."

I giggled. "Mental ward."

"Why is that funny?"

"Okay, so you know how celebrities who are dating get their names blended together, well some people mix nouns and names to describe someone, like fuckward, hockeyward, mafiaward, etc."

"I have no fucking idea what you're talking about."

"Well, you said mental ward…get it, mentalward. HA! You're mental and you're Edward."

"Can we please, for the love of all that is holy, focus on one thing at a time?"

"Uh, sure. And that was?"

He pressed his weight and his…you know…down into me again and my mind snapped back to the front of the class.

"Oh, hi, Joe Jr.," I purred, licking my lips.

"That's more like it," he relayed, attacking my mouth again.

"Edward Anthony Cullen, you have two seconds to get off of my table before I…"

I looked up to see Esme, and Edward was off that table before she could even finish.

"…sell your entire comic book collection for a quarter to the homeless man down the street."

"Whoa, Mom, I got off!"

"That's what she said," I snickered, still on the table.

"Bella," she warned.

"Yeah, I'm coming."

"Well, you would have been," Edward grumbled.

"So, Edward, in the past fifteen seconds, I learned two whole new things about you." I said as Esme walked away from us and headed towards the kitchen.

He grabbed my hand and began pulling me for the stairs. "Oh, yeah? And what's that?"

"One…you have a comic book collection." He shrugged. "And two…you're scared of your mom!"

"What? That's ridiculous; I am not."

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Not."

"Too."

"Double not."

"Triple too and three quarters."

By the time I spoke last, he had me up in our bedroom and thrown on the bed. With my knees hanging off the edge as he towered over me, my hands immediately went for his belt buckle while he quickly discarded his shirt, revealing his_stupid, stupid_ abs.

"You know what you should be scared of, Crazy?" he asked as he tore the jeans from my body.

"The whole lots of pain you're sending my way right now?" I replied as I wiggled out of my own shirt while I used my feet to shimmy his jeans down his muscular thighs.

He shook his head, stepping the rest of the way out of his jeans and boxers. "No, I only give pleasure, baby. What you need to be scared of, though, is…"

His finger made patterns from my ear, down my throat, and circled around my newly exposed breasts as he used the other hand to finish slipping my bra off my body. We were both breathing heavily in anticipation as we took in each other's naked bodies. He was about to speak again when we heard a loud knock on the door.

"Hey, Edward?"

He bit down on my nipple, hard, and I yelped. "What!" he yelled, exasperated.

"I need your help with something, bro," Emmett called.

"It has to wait, Emmett."

"Uhh…it's kind of important."

"Really, because nothing can seriously be more important that what I'm about to do."

"Well, I've been kind of itchy lately…down there…and I was wondering if you could…maybe…check it out for me."

"He's not serious," I whispered. Joe just sighed heavily and rested his head in the crook of my neck.

"I swear this family is out to cock-block me."

He eventually lifted himself from my body…not without an extra glance over…horny, bastard…and threw a blanket around me.

"Come in," Edward called, not even bothering to put his clothes back on. I tired covering him up with my hands…it only made the problem worse. Emmett ignored the very…prominent…Joe Jr.

"First of all, I don't know why you think I would be able to tell you if you had crabs or some shit, Em," Edward complained.

"Well…I figured, since you were in jail and all, that you would have some insider information of sexually transmitted diseases."

"What? Do you think I went on a fucking spree and had play-time with all the inmates?" he exclaimed.

"Yeah?" Emmett deadpanned.

I started laughing…well, giggling. I was a giggler. Edward simply told Emmett to show him his goods, which of course made me laugh harder.

"Don't fucking look, Bella," Edward warned.

"Why, Hobo, are you afraid that you don't size up to your _big_ brother?"

He gave me the stink eye. "Oooo, the stink eye, now I'm crawling in my little booties," I humored. He rolled his eyes. "And the eye roll! Wow, I'm getting special eye attention tonight!"

"Bella, I swear to fucking baby Alice that I will never set my _eyes_ on you again if you don't shut the fuck up."

I laughed some more. "Don't worry, hon. Your eyes aren't the part of your body I want giving me attention, anyways. If you want, I could blindfold you, even…that way you won't have to go back on your word."

"Kinky bitch," he remarked.

"Check and mark," I agreed.

"But, seriously…shut your fucking eyes."

I made sure to roll them exasperatedly but complied anyways and shut them nice and tight. I accompanied my new found blindness with a little humming tune. It might have been to "Mary Had A Little Lamb."

"Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. Mary had a little lamb…that fucked Emmett and gave him crabs."

I was laughing through out my little performance, and I heard Joe give a good chuckle, as well…Emmett on the other hand wasn't too happy.

"Emmett, in all reality, it just looks like a bad case of razor burn," Edward concluded.

"No way, man, really!" Emmett cheered.

"The real question, though, is why the _fuck_ do you have a bad case of razor burn?" I asked.

"Uhh…" he mumbled. "I lost a bet."

"Do I even want to know?" Edward asked.

"I want to know!" I chimed in, sitting up quickly and clutching the blanket tight to my chest with my left hand as I waved my right in the air wildly.

"It's complicated," he excused.

"Yeah, story of my fucking life, now fess up!" I pushed. By this point my eyes were open and fully examining Emmett's junk. Don't worry, he had nothing on Joe Jr. I told him so.

"It's kind of personal, Bella."

"Emmett…seriously? You have your pants down in front of my face as I look over your red, blotchy business…I think we're past personal.

"She has a point, bro…spill."

"You know, peer pressure doesn't do anything for me," he excused, pulling up his pants and buttoning his jeans.

"PUSSY!" Hobo yelled out…and it was loud, too, and before you knew it, an all too eager, British Jasper came running into the room.

"Hey, mates," he said casually, trying to catch his breath discreetly. "What's going on?" He looked around the room…even dropped to the floor and checked under the bed, standing back up as if he was just carrying on with his everyday business.

"What are you looking for, Jasper?" I asked.

"Um," he mumbled, "well, you see…I lost Alice. And since she's little and all, I thought she might be hiding under your bed."

"Why the fuck would she be under my bed?" Joe asked. I couldn't tell if he was irritated or amused.

"You know…for, what is it they say over here in the States? Shits and panties?"

"Panties? You mean giggles," Emmett corrected.

"Shits and giggles…yup, that would be it."

"No, fucker, my baby sister is not hiding under my bed, _for shits and giggles,_ while I'm trying to fuck my Crazy. And for the last time, Emmett, involving yourself in bets that force you to shave your man area is a bad fucking idea…come on, dude. Seriously?"

"Do you want to know what I would have gotten if I would have won?" he asked.

"NO!" Hobo shouted.

"Yes!" I howled at the same time.

Poor Edward; he just crawled under the covers with me and laid his head on my chest as Emmett went on with his tale.

"So, Rosie and I went out to the bar…"

"Is Em telling you about how he got crabs?" Rose commented, walking into the bedroom.

"My family hates me," Hobo mumbled from under the covers. "I swear no one in this room wants me to get laid."

"Good news, baby…it's not crabs!" Emmett shared, wrapping his arm around his girlfriend.

"Herpes?" she questioned. "Or did your crotch just have a panic attack because it didn't think it could live up to my fuck-awesome vagina?"

"Nope, just razor burn," he relayed simply.

"Oh, good," she said happily.

"So none of you have seen Alice?" Jasper spoke up, looking around one last time.

"I think she's under the dining room table," Rose commented.

Jasper took off running while Edward groaned loudly.

"Hey, Joe," I started.

"What?" he said all pouty.

"After we get home from karaoke, can we have sex under the dining room table?"

"Why would you do it under the table, Bella?" Emmett asked.

"Well…I've always had this fantasy of doing it on the table, you know, that's hot, right? But we tried that earlier, and Esme about had a conniption, so under the table is the next best bet."

"You guys are so weird," Rose observed, pulling Emmett out of the room and shutting the door.

"Oh, thank GOD!" Edward shouted, finally returning his attention back to my body.

"So is that a yes about under the table?"

"Mmm hmm," he hummed.

"Yes!" I cheered, fist pumping.

"Yes, indeed," Edward relayed seductively as he made his way south. _Mmmm, yes, please._

XXX

"You almost ready, Bells?" Alice came into her bathroom and asked. Her and Rose were all set, waiting in Alice's room as I made some last minute touches.

"Yup…" I said as I quickly put some gloss on my lips.

"Ow, Bella, you look HOT!" Rose whistled.

"I think anyone looks hot in this outfit, but thanks, chica." I said, winking and doing a little spin. My dress was short – like, super short – and my heels were about as long as my legs. The gold shimmery-thingys, _I wasn't very knowledgeable in the fashion department, sue me,_ reflected the light and made me sparkle.

"I wish I could sparkle for real," I pouted out loud to the girls.

"I have glimmer powder!" Alice offered, running into the bathroom and searching through her things.

"Not like that…like, how cool if would it be if your skin actually sparkled."

Rose didn't look too impressed. "Wouldn't that just look like you had a case of bad acne?"

I shrugged as Alice came back and quite practically dumped her glitter jar on me.

"You look live Avatar," Rose deadpanned as I coughed the glitter out of my lungs.

"Do I shimmer, though?" I asked and twirled.

"Just like a fairy!" Alice added cheerfully. At least someone was impressed…

I smiled and thanked her.

"Can we go now?" Rosalie whined, pushing us out the door. Alice went first as I twirled behind her like a ballerina.

"Who shot Bella up with crack?" Emmett asked as we reached the bottom of the steps. I ignored him and did a little leap right into Edward's arms.

He was grinning and laughed at me as I wrapped my arms around him.

"What the fuck are you doing, Crazy?" he asked.

"I'm a ballerina," I told him.

"Mmmm…does that mean you're super flexible?"

"I don't know, will you lean me over the ballet bar and take me from behind?"

A wicked smirk appeared on his face. "You are a dirty little thing, aren't you?"

I winked and got down from his arms.

"You ready to go out, karaoke man?"

"I still can't believe you're making me do this."

"Oh, hush! It will be fun," I said as I put my jacket on.

"Are you going to strip for us, since you'll already be up on stage and all? Two birds, one stone?" he inquired.

"You got dolla bills on ya?"

"A whole lot of them," he joked.

"It might just be your lucky night, Mr. Cullen."

We both laughed and got into Emmett's jeep. Joe wrapped his arm over me and tantalizingly moved his hand up and down my leg, working up to my inner thigh.

"You're reaching dangerous territory, Hobo Joe," I whispered huskily in his ear.

"Let's just say that I'm already…familiarized…with the _territory_, Ms. Swan. It is in very capable..." he moved his fingers to brush my core "...hands."

My chuckle turned into a moan as he pushed father, sliding his skilled fingers under the lacey fabric of my panties, spreading me, making small circles, only to stop and enter me.

"I think your hands might need a background check," I retorted, trying to sound like he wasn't making me come apart at the seams.

"A background check?" he questioned. "Do I need to leave you any references?"

"Ah, I…_oh shit…_don't think that will_…fuck_…be necessary," I panted.

He continued his…ministrations…as Rose and Emmett stayed completely oblivious in the front seat. I was insanely grateful that Ali and Jazz took a different car.

"Does that feel good, Bella?" he whispered as he kissed right below my ear.

I instinctively opened my legs wider for him, causing him to chuckle. "Eh," I said shrugging, which only egged him on.

"Watch it, Yapper…I have special _talents_ that you wouldn't appreciate if they suddenly…ceased." He pulled his hand away.

"No, no, no, come back," I pleaded. He shrugged and licked his fingers.

I scowled and crossed my arms over my heaving chest. "I'll get you back for that…I don't know why you always seem to want to start these wars with me."

He leaned in close again. "It's because I always win," he said before licking the outline of my ear, causing me to shiver with added anticipation.

Sadly, though, the car stopped and everyone began to pile out before I could retort.

"God, Cullen, your head is so big, you know that."

He blocked my path right as I was about to get out of the jeep, and he placed my hand right on Joe Jr. "I know you love just how…big…my _head_ is, Bella." He laughed loudly at his own little _joke_ and stepped back so I could get out. I rolled my eyes and walked right past him when he went to shut the car door.

"Aw, don't get mad," he said as he caught up with me.

I stopped and looked at him from head to toe. "I guess I'll just find someone tonight who can finish what you started…" I hinted and his face turned cold.

He grabbed my arm as I went to walk away again and pulled me back towards him. "I don't think so, Bella."

"What are you going to do about it, Joe?" I asked menacingly.

He grabbed my face in his large hands and covered his mouth with mine, his tongue pushing between my lips.

"A little desperate, are we, now?" I taunted, stepping back.

"Desperate? Me?" he asked jokingly, holding his hand up to his heart as he followed me inside.

"You heard me."

He came up right behind me and pressed my back into his hard body. "You call me desperate, except I'm not the one who was just panting and begging for my fingers," he whispered into my ear. He probably meant it to be sexy, but it really just pissed me off.

I whipped around and took his jaw in my hand. "If you continue to be such an ass, Joe, then your fingers will be the only thing working you over tonight."

"Wanna bet?" he challenged with a risen eyebrow.

"And that means?" I released his hairy face and crossed my arms over my chest.

"It means, Crazy, that I don't think you will be able to resist me tonight."

"Oh, really?" I clipped evenly.

"Yes, really. I'm irresistible, remember?"

"I don't know why you think it's me who can't resist you. The way I see it, is that you cannot resist _me._" I lifted my hand and slowly ran my finger down the center of his chest. "I'm taking you up on your challenge, Mr. Cullen, and I'm raising the bar."

"What did you have in mind?"

"Whoever gives in to the other one first, loses."

"Care to make it interesting?"

"Is it not already interesting enough?" I questioned as I became even more annoyed, placing my hands on my hips.

"I think the winner – the one who can hold out from the other the longest – should get a prize."

"And the prize would be?"

"If I win," he began, "then all the JT posters have to go."

"SAY WHAT!" I yelled.

He laughed and nodded.

I growled. "You play dirty! That's okay, I can play dirty, too."

"So what would be your prize? Don't think too hard, it's not like you're going to win, anyway…" he teased.

"If I win…" I paused to think.

"Go on," he encouraged.

I bust out laughing as my idea hit me, and Hobo Joe eyed me skeptically. "If I win, then you have to dye your hair blond, perm it, and I get to call you Justin Timberlake in bed."

"Oh FUCK NO!" he cried.

I nodded vigorously. "Oh yes. It's only fair if you want to burn my posters. Besides, I thought you were _sooo_confident."

He stood up straighter and widened his shoulders. "Okay, Bella. I'll agree. You might want to kiss your posters goodbye, though, because I'm going to burn every last one of them."

I winked over my shoulder as I walked away to join the others. "Game on, Mr. Cullen. Game on."

**End Notes: **

**Reviews encourage me to write faster – just saying. **


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello, fellow Hobos! **

**I won't keep you with a long A/N since it has been so long since I've updated, but please know that I love all of you who are reading this. And you reviewers…your comments keep the crazy coming. So please, keep it up! **

**Lizzylillyrose – you got this chapter I don't know how many times, and you kept me from trashing it all. Thanks for all your help, lady! **

**AngelGoddess1981 – thank you for your mad beta skills and validating ways! **

**Remember…this fic is seriously ridiculous and not meant to be taken seriously. Also…do not try Bella's stunts at home.**

**Enjoy the ride! **

…**.**

"This little piggy went to the market, this little piggy stayed home. This little piggy had roast beef; this little piggy had none. This little piggy cried, 'wee, wee, wee,' ALL THE WAY TO JAIL!" I was singing, at a relatively modest volume, as I sat on the metal bench, starring at the bars that kept me here.

"Oh, for the love of God, SHUT THE HELL UP!" a voice from across the cell yelled, startling me just a tad.

"Excuse me, sir? Ma'am?" I addressed, but I soon stopped short as they looked at me with so much anger that I was so glad I had already used the restroom before I got here, otherwise my grownup panties would certainly be soiled. "Uh, never mind."

I decided to go another route and pick a different song…they would definitely like this one. "Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer! Take one down, pass it around, ninety-nine bottles of…"

I was too focused on my song and picking at my nails that I didn't even see the she-man stand up, and before I knew it, his/her (really, how was I supposed to tell?) fist had connected with my face, sending me right to the floor. Right before my brain decided to call it quits and send me into black oblivion, I got out one last thing…

"I'm so going to sic Daddy C on you."

**O.o**

_**Earlier that night…**_

**BPOV**

"Okay, pick a hand, any hand," Alice instructed as she kept her hands firmly behind her back.

"Ennie, meenie, miney, mo," I started, but Rose must have got irritated because she rudely interrupted and grabbed Alice's left arm. "Rose, have I told you lately how much I admire your patience?" I mocked, grabbing the slip of paper from her hand that she had taken from Alice.

On it read our fate…the song that the three of us would be singing together for karaoke. We had all picked straws, and the boys beat us, demanding that we perform first. Edward was thrilled, saying that it was only the first of many times he was going to win tonight, referring to the bet he and I had made about whether who would give into the other first. I kindly reminded him that he needed to _score_…_hit a home run…sink the last hole…_in order to really win, and if Crazy-bear wasn't happy, that shit wasn't going to happen…dining room table or not!

He didn't get it. Seriously, he was stupid. The rats that used to take residence in his no-longer-there beard must have eaten at his brain and laid little shit raisins everywhere.

"Those damn shit raisins," I muttered, earning myself a raised brow from the genius over there. "Just forget it." I sighed and began to walk to the stage.

"Crazy, wait!" Hobo yelled as he pulled at my wrist.

"What's up, goldilocks? Afraid of being left alone with the boys?" I teased, motioning over to Jasper who was picking his nose and dropping his findings into Emmett's drink when he wasn't paying attention.

"I think you forgot something," he lured, trying to be all sexy and shit. It wasn't working.

"Nope, my boobs are sitting nice and perky, my lucky key-chain vibrator is tucked in between the girls," I jiggled them for emphasis, "and my gal pal team is already assembling as we speak. Everything I need in life is all set."

"Hold on a sec," he began as he crossed his arms over his chest. "You're saying that all you need to get by in life is your fantastic tits, a small-pathetic-not-as-good-as-my-cock gadget to get you off, and my crazy sister?"

"You forgot about Rose…"

"Bella," he deadpanned. "Seriously."

I smirked and stood up on my toes, my nose gently rubbing against his. "There might be one other thing…"

His smile widened slowly, seductively as he wrapped an arm around my waist, pulling me close. "And what would that be?" he drawled.

"This," I whispered…and took his beer from his other hand. "Thanks, babe!" I yelled behind me as I ran off to the stage, bringing the cold bottle to my lips. He was still frozen in the spot when I got to my place on the platform. Seriously, this bet was just going to be way too easy to win.

High five for the home team!

"You girls ready?" Alice asked as we all finished attaching our microphones to our shirts.

Rose, with one last shake of her ass, said, "They won't even know what hit them."

I smiled wickedly; I loved having these girls on my team. As soon as we got to the community center, I pulled them aside and told them about the little bet Edward and I had made. Alice loved the deal of humiliating her bother, and Rose loved posters of Justin almost as much as I did that she would go to any length to preserve them. Together, we were unstoppable, and we were going to destroy Edward not-really-but-still-smells-like-a-hobo-sometimes Cullen.

It was show time.

**Hobo POV**

I had her exactly where I wanted her. She thought she was all sly, being all cute and playful, making jokes, and giving me a hard time. Okay, so maybe she was getting to me just a little bit, but there was still a lot of fight left in this old dog. If she wants to play dirty, I had no problem bringing out the big guns. One was already up and ready. _Down, boy,_ I scolded.

It was going to be a long night, but I would not lose. I hated those Jason-what-ever-the-hell-his-name wall posters with a passion. And the sheet she got me for Christmas was long taken off the bed, but yesterday she got the grand fucking idea to hang it on the ceiling. She was nuts. Crazy. Fucking INSANE.

But I wanted her…damn, how I wanted her.

I would have her too…many times. That Jason? Fuck him.

I would win…she had no idea just how down and _dirty_ I could get.

It's playtime, sweetheart. Bring. It. On.

I went to sit back down next to Alice's weird ass boyfriend, Jasper, and my big brother Emmett. He was whistling as the girls graced the stage and put on their mics, but as soon as he turned around to take a sip of his beer, I lost it.

Jasper was snickering, too, and in that moment I was grateful Bella stole my drink so I didn't have any nasty British boogies swimming in my system. Emmett, though, didn't notice a thing.

"You boys ready for this?" Emmett asked, rubbing the palms of his hands together after he put down his beer.

"You know what song they're doing?" I asked, getting comfortable in the hard chair.

"Rosie wouldn't tell me."

"Alice either," Jasper chimed in.

I huffed but focused my attention back on the stage. I was ready to enjoy the show.

The lights were already off on the main floor, so only the stage was illuminated, but everything went black right before they began.

All of a sudden, the light flashed back on to an admittedly very beautiful Rose, who had turned around and started stalking slowly towards the front of the stage.

"_I love myself; I want you to love me,"_ she purred. Oh hell… _"When I'm feelin' down, I want you above me. I search myself; I want you to find me. I forget myself; I want you to remind me,"_ she sang, all the while running her hands all over her barley clad body.

I looked over at Emmett, who had all of a sudden had gone ghostly white. If this was the song I thought it was, then we all were in a shit load of trouble. My worst nightmare had come true, and my beautiful Crazy-lady turned around and sauntered just as Rose had to the front of the stage, singing the chorus of the song.

"_I don't want anybody else. When I think about you." _She searched around and found my eyes. _"I touch myself."_ And then she winked.

Fuck. Me.

My jaw hit the floor, and I was pretty sure I was drooling like a damn pervert. The worst part of it was that I knew she was loving every second of my very slow, very seductive, painful, abso-fucking-lutely amazing torture.

She, Rose, and Alice switched off singing the song, and if I wasn't so focused on the Crazy, I would have been scarred for life watching my baby sister singing such a suggestive song. Hell, it wasn't even suggestive. It was descriptive…very descriptive.

But I wanted it…I wanted to see Bella do it. I wanted to see her touch herself while she thought of me.

One more thing to add to the list if I won, I thought excitedly.

She thought she had me with this song? I gave her good credit…I was hard as woody himself, but my cock wasn't the only thing made of steel. My resolve was untouchable.

**Crazy POV**

_Oh, Edward_, I thought. _Making you squirm was so funny_. I watched him from the stage, pulling at the neck of his collar and smacking his face lightly a few times. The song was definitely a good choice; it was either that or Rhianna's S&M. Even though I knew either one would do the trick, I was happy with the results of this little number.

As soon as we were done, I skipped – yes, skipped; it's good for the ankles – back over to Edward. I lightly ran my fingers from one shoulder, across his back, and to the other shoulder before I tossed my leg over his and straddled his lap, where I really felt the results of our performance. Joe Jr. was standing proud, ready to claim his woman, and, man, how I wanted it. I wanted him so badly; my resolve was slipping as he wrapped his arms around my waist, securing me to him while also causing my crazy-lady-bits to rub against the mountain in his jeans.

"I'm not quite ready to climb Everest," I panted in his ear.

"What the hell are you talking about?" he asked as a laugh escaped him.

I rolled my eyes. I knew it wasn't his fault that the shit raisins had rotted his brain. "It's a good thing you're cute, Joe."

"You think I'm cute?" he questioned playfully.

"Just like a baby's bottom," I sang, causing him to scowl.

"I'm glad you think you're so funny…"

I laughed and leaned in to kiss his cheek. "My humor is just one of the amazing qualities about me."

"It's your one and only," he countered.

"Hmm..." I hummed as I ran my fingers down his neck and played with the buttons of his shirt. "You see, my boyfriend thinks otherwise."

"Well, then, your boyfriend must be just as crazy as you are."

"Oh, he's crazy, all right. And he's a bit of a perv…this one time, he snuck into my bed while I was sleeping, masked as a hobo."

He laughed and shook his head. "You're so full of shit. That was my bed!"

"Yeah, yeah…details."

With a smile on his face, he laced his fingers through my hair and brought my lips to his, kissing me gently. When I pulled back, he kept looking at me with some strange look in his eyes.

"Come on, Joe," I smacked his shoulder lightly. "You're making me soft."

His smiled widened, and he kissed me again, this time for longer. When Emmett yelled his name from across the table and told him that it was their turn on stage, he stopped kissing me and lifted me from his lap and sat me back down in his seat.

With one last kiss, he leaned over and whispered, "Don't worry, it's all strategy, baby," before he winked and sauntered off.

I breathed in deeply before I pushed the air from my lungs. Strategy? I wasn't about to lose the bet and my sacred posters over a few sentimental kisses.

This was war…and he just upped the ante.

...

Rose ran to the make-shift bar to grab us all another drink – I had already finished Edward's pre-performance – and we all got comfortable in our seats while we waited for the boys. Jasper was busy talking to the guy running the sound and tech equipment while Hobo and Em looked like they were having mini spastic seizures. Edward kept kicking his leg out to the side while Emmett was attempting some spin-jump-fist-in-the-air scene.

They looked ridiculous. I seriously regretted not bringing my video recorder, and I was certain that my cell phone was secretly trying to destroy my life and made it impossible to use any of the cool features. But it was too bad…Youtube would have loved this.

I giggled at their expense…it was awesome.

Finally, after a few more minutes, the trio of spastic puppies took their spots on stage and the room got dark.

Without any warning, while the lights were still turned off all of a sudden, I heard Edward's voice stream through the speakers, and I might have pissed my pants a bit.

"_It's tearing up my heart when I'm with you, but when we are apart I feel it too. And no matter what I do, I feel the pain, with or without you."_

The lights flashed on suddenly, and Edward and Emmett were near the front of the stage, side-by-side, while Jasper was near the back beat-boxing. After Edward finished singing the first few lines, he and Emmett broke out into the dance from the N'sync music video.

My ovaries might have exploded.

"_Baby, I don't understand."_ Oh my God... _"Just why we can't be lovers. Things are getting out of hand…trying too much, but baby we can't win. Let it go."_

Oh fuck. _Deep breaths, Bella._

"_If you want me girl, let me know."_ Yes. Yes.

"_I am down, down, on my knees…"_

Oh, yes you are.

"_And I can't take it anymore."_

Fuckidy fuck.

With each step, each syllable, each motion that he had perfectly memorized, he sent my body into a fangirl craze. I felt all warm and fuzzy inside, like melted jelly beans were hanging out in my big girl panties.

I actually swiped my hand across the top of the seat to make sure I wasn't leaking like a horny faucet.

I was. _Damnit._

The song ended, too quickly if you asked me, and I literally smacked myself across the face to get myself out of the trance I was in.

"Alice," I hissed before the boys made it back to the table.

She turned her head and smiled at me widely.

"What the hell was _that_?" I asked.

"I had no idea they would have remembered that," she responded.

"What?"

"When we were younger, Edward and Emmett used to put on concerts for the rest of the family. They would watch a ton of music videos on repeat until they got all the moves right, and then they would dress up all nice and perform. When I was in middle school, Edward threatened to mutilate all my Barbie dolls if I told anybody. Little did he know that Emmett outted them, anyway. They were made fun of for a long time, so they stopped. I had no clue they actually remembered all the dance moves."

"Hold on…they would _what?_" I asked, trying not to laugh. I could just picture pre-adolescent Eddie-bear putting on a free show.

By this time, Hobo had made it back over to us. He was lucky I was still in my JT-Edward-mix-up-haze or I would have seriously made fun of his ass.

"I think I found out the reason for your drug problem," I said. Okay, so I would make fun of him a little.

"Excuse me?" he asked, sitting down next to me.

"I would totally mask my drag queen show memories with drugs, too." I laughed.

"Drag queen shows?" He looked at me strangely before he turned his attention to little Alice. "YOU TOLD HER! IT HAPPENED ONE TIME! YOU SAID IF I REPLACED THE DRESS THAT YOU WOULD KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!"

"Whoa! Hold on there, Hobo. I was just referring to your little concerts with Emmett as a kid." His face fell. "You actually went tran, once upon a time?"

"There is nothing wrong with experimentation, Bella," he countered.

"Apparently," I deadpanned.

"What would it take for you to never bring that up again?"

My eyes twinkled with so many possible opportunities for mischievous torture on his behalf. "All the boy-band memorabilia in the world wouldn't buy you a free pass for that one."

He looked crest-fallen for a moment before his face lifted into a devilish smirk.

"Hey, Bella?" he said, his voice going all pretty.

I raised an eyebrow in his direction.

"You never said how you liked our performance." His hand found my knee and began making small patterns on my leg. He scooted his chair a bit closer to mine so he was practically touching his chest to my shoulder. "Did it _inspire_anything?" he whispered in my ear.

"Nope," I replied. Too bad the tremor in my voice was a traitorous bitch.

"I did it especially for you, you know. I know just how _affected_ you get. Did I affect you that way, Bella?"

"Um."

His hand continued to travel past my knee and up my inner thigh at a painfully slow pace. The table kept his actions discrete, but my shaking body would have given me away in a heartbeat.

With his hot lips on my neck, he finally touched the crazy-lady-bits, and I heard him groan. Suddenly he pulled his hand away and scooted his chair really far away from mine. It took me a second to realize that that was definitely not normal behavior…even for our standards of crazy.

"What happened to you?" I asked, looking over at him. He was avoiding eye contact with me, and his hands were shoved under his thighs. He looked like he was about to break. Finally, it clicked. THIS WAS MY CHANCE TO WIN THE BET!

I stood up slowly and stood behind him. I leaned down and ran my nose along the side of his neck before I kissed his ear. "Do you want to go outside for a second?" I asked.

He turned around so fast that I didn't have time to move back, and his fat head collided with my precious baby face. "Ouch!" I yelled.

"Oh, fuck, Bella! Are you okay?"

"Am I bleeding? Did you kill me? Heaven? God?" The shooting pain caused tears to fill my eyes. I felt his hands pry mine away from my nose so he could inspect the damage.

"Bella, I'm so sorry. Here, come here," he instructed as he led me through the tables and into one of the bathrooms. It didn't smell like a spoiled diaper, so I figured he took me to the ladies' room instead of the men's.

"Now I can see you," he said softly.

I heard the water running, and, after a moment, he held a wet paper towel to my face.

"Is it broken?" I whimpered like the damn pussy I was.

"I don't think so, baby," he soothed. "I'm sorry, Crazy. I didn't mean to hurt you."

"I bet it was all part of your strategy," I half joked.

But Edward didn't reply, he simply lowered the brown towel and looked me in the eye.

"Hey, Crazy?" he addressed softly.

Making eye contact with him was my response, and he proceeded to bring his right hand behind my neck and he slowly brought his face to mine, kissing my lips really softly, careful as to not touch my nose.

The kiss only last for a few seconds, and when I looked up at him as he pulled away, I asked, "What was that for?"

He shrugged his shoulders, and I saw his cheeks turn light pink.

"You know, if you still had your massive cave-man beard going on, I wouldn't be able to see you blushing right now."

He laughed and picked the paper towel back up, holding it back on my still hurting face. "You like me better when it's gone."

I shrugged. "I don't know, Hobo; I think it adds character. Sure, you're panty-wetting-fuck-me-seven-ways-from-Sunday without it, but I like you with it, too."

"That was almost sweet, Crazy-lady." He laughed lightly.

"Oh yeah, I can be a real charmer."

"Indeed." He rolled his eyes and finally took the towel away. "How is your face?"

"You tell me."

"It doesn't look too swollen, so I think were in the clear. But we can have Daddy-C look at it when we get home."

"Daddy-C? Even my nicknames are rubbing off on you. I think you're spending too much time with me. Watch out, my crazy is contagious."

He laughed loudly this time. "I'm fully aware how contagious you are. You're like the swine-flu…on crack."

"That sounds about right."

He smiled at me and kissed me again.

"I have to pee real quick. Would you mind waiting for my hot crazy ass outside?"

"If I have to."

I rolled my eyes as I walked into the stall. "If you want to stay and listen to me do my business, be my guest, but it might not be pretty," I warned.

"I'll be outside," he responded, laughing.

After I wrapped up shop on the potty, I washed my hands – duh, because people who don't were just nasty – and checked out my nose in the mirror. It wasn't too horrendous…I didn't look like either Barbra Streisand or Adrian Brody, so I think I was going to be okay.

I went to leave the little girls room, but when I opened the door to go back outside to the others, what I saw made me want to run back inside and lock the door. At first, I thought my eyes were just fucked up from the hobo-head-collision accident, but when I took a closer look, it was actually a red-haired bimbo all over the homeless fucker. Her arms were snaked around his waist, and her exploding boobs were touching his chest.

I was going to be honest – I was a jealous bitch. I was a green monster, the Hulk; insert your own reference of crazy jealous lady here. It was me; I hated slutty hoe-bags. I was one; I knew how their mind worked.

So, when I saw Ms. Bitch press her lips to Hobo, I lost it.

They were about ten feet away, and I took off, full force, and rammed my body right into the slutty-mc-slut-face. Her red hair whipped in her face as I tackled her to the ground. I went to town on the bitch; all my green induced rage, mixed with my pent up sexual frustration from this stupid bet with Edward, coming out on this girl's ugly ass face.

I heard Edward yell for me to stop, but I was a woman on a mission.

It took two people to pull me off of her, and before I knew it, she was screaming that she wanted to press charges, so I spat in her face. Edward at that point spun me around and threw me up against the wall.

"Crazy!" he yelled in my face. "What the hell was that?"

"Don't start, fucker," I seethed, trying to shake him off me, but his hold was unwavering.

The cops were called on me, and I found myself handcuffed and riding in the back of a cop car.

"Well, this is fun," I said to myself in the back seat as I watched the red and blue lights make patterns on the street as we drove by. The cop totally ignored me…probably a good choice.

I just banged my head on the window and waited for it all to be over.

…

"Am I going to be on CSI?" I asked the cop who was guarding the holding cell. There was one other person in there with me…whether it was a man or woman beat the hell out of me.

But Officer Stick-Up-His-Ass wouldn't talk to me, either. So I started singing.

I was a fantastic singer.

Ask the Hobo.

She-man didn't think so, though, which was super unfortunate for my face.

When I woke up after the very rude Bella-face-smashing, I wasn't in the jail cell anymore.

"If this is some inner-government kidnapping for experimentation shit, I better be at least getting a movie deal out of it!" I shouted from the bed I was on. A large woman came in laughing, holding a clipboard.

I gave her the stink-eye.

"Isabella? How are you feeling?"

"Where I am?"

"Forks Jail. But you took quite a hit; you've been out cold for twenty minutes, so we brought you to the examination room."

"So this is all very normal and not out of character at all?" I said, disappointed.

She looked at me strangely but shook her head. "Just following protocol."

"Damn." I sighed.

"But the charges against you were actually dropped. A man is waiting for you outside. You're free to go."

"Just like that? No intensive check out process? No interrogations? Nothing?"

"This is Forks…you are one of two in the holding cell. No, no big drama. We're just glad you didn't puke everywhere…that's usually what happens from our holding cell participants."

"I'm slightly disappointed."

"Just be lucky this isn't going on your permanent record."

"Can I at least keep the handcuffs?" I asked as wicked images of playtime with my homeless fucker passed through my very perverted mind. Maybe I could pretend to arrest him for shoplifting from the dumpsters and loitering in the alleys. I giggled at all the possibilities.

But I sighed dramatically when she shook her head, ruining my plans for cops and robbers, and followed her out of the room.

I was glad at least that the one person I wanted to see in that moment was there waiting for me when I reached the waiting room.

"You have no idea how happy I am to see you!" I greeted as I threw my arms around his neck.

"Oh, Bella, what have you gotten yourself into this time?" He chuckled.

"I beat up a bitch."

"I heard."

"Daddy-C?" I asked as we walked out of the jail and into his Mercedes.

"Yes, Bella?"

"How did you get me out of jail? You didn't sleep with that big woman to get me out, did you? I cross-my-heart-and-hope-to-die to not tell Esme."

He laughed and pulled out of the station. "Not this time." He winked in my direction.

I laughed and sat back in my seat, getting comfortable. "So, if you didn't use your sexy-times, how did I get out?"

"Victoria dropped the charges."

"But why? I went Fight Club on her ass."

He stayed quiet.

"I swear if Edward used his sexy-times on her, I'm going to cut his balls off."

He chuckled but shook his head. "I'm going to let him be the one to tell you."

I sighed and crossed my arms across my chest. "I hope you weren't expecting little-Eddy grandbabies, then."

"I'm not counting on it," he countered with another laugh.

Oh boy.

…

"Bella! Are you okay?" Esme rushed over to me as soon as I walked into the door, wrapping me in her embrace. "You look terrible, honey, absolutely awful!"

"Really? Thanks!" I replied sarcastically, even though I hugged her back and slumped my head on her shoulder. I was exhausted.

"Do you have any jail-stories for us, Bells?" Emmett asked.

"Any soap-drop derbies you want to talk about?" Edward added with a laugh.

I narrowed my eyes in his direction, and that shut him up pretty quick.

"What's wrong with her?" he asked Carlisle.

Daddy-C shrugged as he walked into the kitchen saying, "She thinks you slept with Victoria to get her to drop the charges."

"What!" he, Emmett, and Esme yelled at the same time. Alice and Rose just laughed.

"I'm going upstairs to my room," I stated before any of them could start talking. "For your balls' sake, I suggest not following me," I spoke to Edward before passing him to get to the stairs.

"Bella, wait!" he eventually yelled after I was about halfway up.

"Fuck off, fuck-face."

"Bella, you're being ridiculous!"

By this time, I was in _my_ room, and I quickly locked the door. I heard him turn it and try to get in, but he just sighed heavily and walked away after a few moments. I quickly took off my fairy dress and climbed into bed.

I was so ready for this day to be over.

…

"_Oh uh uh oh. Oh uh uh oh. Oh uh uh oh. Oh uh uh oh!"_

_What the fuck?_

"_I always knew you were the best, the coolest girl I know. So prettier than all the rest; the star of the show. So many times I wished you'd be the one for me. I never knew you'd be like this girl what you do to me._

"_You're who I'm thinking of; girl you're ain't my runner up. No matter what you're always number one!"_

I climbed out of my bed and walked over to the balcony door. As soon as I opened it, the singing got louder. It wasn't snowing out, but it was still cold as fuck and I was just in my bra and underwear.

"_My prized possession, one and only. I adore ya, girl I want ya. The one I can live without is you, is you."_

"Are you singing Justin Bieber?" I asked groggily as I looked down at Hobo, who was holding a hairbrush as a microphone and had a boom-box behind him.

"Don't interrupt me, Crazy," he said really quickly before he jumped back into the song.

"_You're always going out of the way to impress these Mr. Wrongs. Never knew you'd feel like this; I'll take you as you are. Always said believe in love is a thing that can't be real._

"_But never write a fairytale; I'll show you how it feels. You're who I'm think of, and girl, you're ain't my runner up; no matter what, you're always number one._

"_My prized possession, one and only. I adore ya, girl, I want ya. Of all the girls I've ever known, it's you, it's you._

"_You're my precious little lady…the one that makes me crazy! Of all the girls I've ever known, it's you. My favorite, my favorite, my favorite girl."_

He finished with a little bow as I clapped from up on the balcony. "Aww, Hobo. That was really sweet. It's like our own 80's romance movie."

"So are you going to come downstairs and kiss me, or what?"

I looked at him all bashful. "Edward, I'm practically naked. And it's freezing out here!" I shivered for emphasis.

"May I come up there, then?" He was cute when he was all shy.

"Did you sleep with her?" I blurted out in response.

"Bella, seriously? No, of course not. Not tonight, anyway. That was my ex-girlfriend. I haven't seen her in years. Let's just say she didn't stick around after I was sentenced."

"So how did you get me out of jail?"

"All I know is that Alice and Rose took care of it. They wouldn't give me the details."

"So you weren't involved?"

"I would have bailed you out, but that was as far as my get-the-crazy-out-of-jail plan went. Sorry." He shrugged.

"Okay."

"Okay, what?" he asked.

"You can come up…on one condition."

"Uh huh…"

"I win the bet."

"Oh, HELL NO!"

"Edward, it's only fair!"

"How is that fair! That's not fair at all! You beat the shit out of my ex…I think that means that you want me more, which means that I should win the bet. Kiss those posters bye-bye-bye, baby!"

"Okay."

"Okay, what?" he asked skeptically.

"Have fun sleeping in the cold, fucker," I said before I ran back into the room and closed the balcony door. I checked to make sure the bedroom door was still locked before climbing back into the large bed to warm up.

"Bella!" I heard him banging on the door. _Damn, he was fast._

"La-la-la-la-la-la," I sang with my hands covering up my ears so I couldn't hear him. I turned on my side and faced the wall, still singing my song – partially to annoy him, but also to keep me from caving to his sexy begging.

"La-la-la-la…"

"Shhh." I felt the bed dip and two cold arms wrapped around me, pulling me to my back. I looked up and Hobo was above me, pressing his body into mine as he took ahold of my wrists and removed my hands from my ears.

"How did you get in here?" I asked, looking back and forth between him and the closed door.

"I'm an expert lock-picker. Do you not remember the first night we met?" He laughed.

"Don't be so jolly, Hobo," I scolded, bring my hands back to my ears. Why? I didn't know, really.

"Bella," he said softly, taking my hands back. "Stop. I have to tell you something."

"Okay?"

He looked at me, and I could kind of see his features with the help of the big old moon, but mostly darkness encased us. And before I could take another breath, he kissed me. _Hard._

His tongue pushed through my lips to claim my mouth, and his sweet breath was overwhelming. I moaned involuntarily and wrapped my arms around his neck, bringing him impossibly closer.

He continued to press his soft lips to mine, switching between dragging his teeth along my bottom lip and gliding his skillful tongue against my own. The stubble of his growing beard scrapped against my cheek, causing it to burn deliciously.

"What does this mean, Joe?" I asked when he pulled away to kiss my neck.

With a sigh, he stopped and lifted his head to look at me. "It means I lost. I want you, Crazy."

"So I won?" I reiterated.

He nodded.

I giggled.

"Okay, okay, get it over with."

"Get what over with?"

"Calling me Jason…go ahead."

"I think you're missing something."

He looked at me all panicked. "Bella, please, don't make me perm and dye my hair!"

I laughed as I ran my fingers though his soft locks. "Okay, Hobo, but we're going to the costume store tomorrow and buying you a wig so I can at least get a picture."

He rolled his eyes and groaned but didn't say anything to counter me.

I high-fived myself in response.

"You kill me." He sighed.

"Nah, I make your life more interesting."

He looked me in the eye and smiled. "Yeah, that too."

"So, are you going to come back or what?"

"What?" he asked, confused.

"My lips, they miss you." I puckered them out for easy access.

And with another laugh, Hobo-Joe brought his own lips back to my own. It was fantastic.

My body felt warm under his, and his weight pushed me deeper into the mattress. It was like I was in my own little Hobo-bubble. At least he didn't smell like dirty animals anymore, that was always a plus.

Joe's hand wrapped around my knee, bending it to wrap around his waist, before he continued to trail it slowly along my skin. When he reached the dip of my hips, he grabbed ahold of my lace underwear, fisting it tightly as he pressed himself into me with even more force, causing me to take a quick intake of breath.

Joe Jr. was seriously ready to play with my crazy-lady bits. I just wished I had the handcuffs from the jail. Joe would have been so good at using them; he had worn them enough over the years, mind you. I made a mental note to buy some the next day at the naughty store.

He backed up from me as he pulled the lacy material down my legs and tossed them to the floor before he made work on my bra. When I lay naked before him, I frantically unbuttoned his shirt as he got busy with getting his jeans off. We worked great as a team when it came to getting naked; it made me proud!

When Edward brought his body back to mine, I felt every part of him in all the right places and sighed appreciatively. "I'm so ready for you…please," I begged as he kissed my neck. I had spent all night pretending that I didn't want him, and my façade was so far gone that it wasn't even funny. I needed him, and I was past pretending otherwise.

"I'm not done enjoying you yet," he responded breathlessly.

I groaned in frustration, which quickly turned into slutty moan as his lips found my nipple. His tongue flicked it skillfully, causing a whole bunch of notes, all of different octaves, to escape my mouth, which earned a chuckle from Hobo in return. I ignored his obvious laughs at my expense and just fisted my hands in his hair, keeping him to my chest. His other hand kneaded my breast and then gently twisted my nipple in sync with the actions of his mouth, and I raised my hips, desperately trying to get some further friction.

"You're killing me over here, smalls," I grunted as I dug the heels of my feet into his ass, trying to get his man candy near the promise land.

"Bella, relax," he scolded. His lips kissed a wet trail down my stomach, and his hands wrapped around my hips tightly as his fingertips dug into my skin. My legs automatically opened up to him, offering everything, begging like the true whore I was.

His lips pressed lightly into my inner-thigh, and he rubbed his rough hairy cheek over the soft skin, causing goose-bumps to appear.

"I love your legs," he whispered reverently.

"I love your cock," I answered in response.

He looked up at me and laughed for a few seconds before becoming serious again. He bent his head down to kiss my clit, the action really setting the chorus of Bella-moans. His tongue snaked out and got to work. "Oh God," I panted. "Your tongue; fuck, I love that too!"

He hummed, sucked, licked, nibbled…it was bloody amazing. I was dying with the multitude of feelings washing through me, but for some damn reason, it just wasn't working. I couldn't get over the edge that he had deliciously brought me to. It was right there…right in reach, but I couldn't get there. Something was…missing. I cried out in frustration, fisting the sheets tightly.

The hobo must have realized the problem, because, with one last kiss he sat up. "Is this what you want?" he asked as he lined his hard tip with my begging entrance.

"Gah!" I moaned, angling my hips towards him, but he held me still.

"Say it."

"Say what?" I cried. "Just give it to me, Edward!"

"Give you what?" he questioned, being the little bitch he was.

"GIVE ME YOUR DAMN COCK, YOU HOMELESS FUCKER!" I screamed. He suddenly shifted his hips, and without further warning, thrust into me. A loud groan escaped his mouth, and I cried out in surprise at his forceful action.

Edward lowered himself to lay flush against me, kissing me as his hips began to in rhythm with my own. He stretched me fully, the new friction forcing me closer and closer to the edge of the sweet oblivion. I could feel every inch of him as he pulled practically all the way out before thrusting back into my quivering body.

I clung onto him, wrapping my arms around his sweaty neck and wrapping my legs around his lower calves.

"Fuck, Bella," he cried out before kissing my neck. "I need you…God, I fucking need you."

"Please, push me off. Push me off!" I begged loudly. His hand snuck between our over-heated bodies and found my clit, rubbing it gently at first before quickening his pace to match his thrusts.

"Come on, Crazy," he begged. I knew he was close, but I just couldn't… "Look at me," he demanded and my eyes flew open to his.

And the intensity of that moment, with my eyes focused on his piercing green ones, was what finally let me fall of that incredible cliff.

"OH, GOD, EDWARD!" I screamed, throwing my head back as my body turned into a shuddering mess with my orgasm. He followed almost immediately behind me, crying out a slur of profanities as his body exploded.

He finally collapsed on top of me, pinning me beneath him. Both of our breaths were heavy, and neither of us could speak for a while.

When I had enough strength back, I lifted my arm and ran my hand through his wet hair, causing him to nuzzle his face on my chest.

"Crazy?" he asked, still pretty breathless.

"Yeah?"

"You said Edward when you came. What happened to Jason?" His didn't life his head to look at me when he asked.

"You mean Justin?" I laughed.

"Whatever."

I sighed and wrapped my body around him as best I could in the awkward position and kissed the top of his head. "I guess I wasn't thinking about him. I was pretty focused on someone else."

He hand came up and squeezed my bottom. "Damn straight."

We both laughed together.

"Does that mean I don't have to wear the wig anymore?" he asked, sounding incredibly hopeful.

"HA!" I snorted. "No way in hell you're getting out of that one. Sorry, buddy."

With a long dramatic sigh, he mumbled, "Fuck my life."

He eventually rolled off of me, and I tucked myself into the crook of his neck, finding a new happy place. He whispered something into my hair, but I was already too dozed off to catch the words. I feel asleep sweaty and exhausted, yet seriously happy that I was wrapped up tight with my very own matched brand of crazy.

…

"Everyone, everyone, listen up!" I yelled from the staircase the following afternoon. The family was gathered in the living room, and I had Emmett pause the video game he and Daddy-C were playing before I continued.

"I have someone I would like you to meet! May I introduce…Justin Timberlake – the homeless edition!"

Edward walked down the stairs, sporting his new sexy wig and N'sync boy-band t-shirt. The boys hollered and Rose blew whistles in his direction. Esme ran to get the camera while Alice was already taking some on her phone.

"JT! JT!" Jasper squealed, clapping his hands like a preteen who got backstage passes. Edward looked at me, and an unspoken communication passed between us. Yes, Jasper was fucking weird.

"Sing for us!" Esme shouted when she got back.

"Ugh," Edward groaned, but my stink eye got him to straighten up.

"Any requests?" he asked like the good little sport he was.

"_BYE-BYE-BYE_!" Alice hollered.

"_Sexy Back_!" Rose suggested.

"_Space Cowboy_!" Jasper yelled.

"Um, Bella," he looked at me to save him. "This was your bet. Why don't you pick?"

"Hmm…okay! How about…_U Drive Me Crazy._"

He smiled and winked at me. "That sounds perfect."

Big sigh, because perfect it was.

But the look in his eye when he started singing was a bit frightening…I could see the gleam of revenge directed right towards my over excited Justin-fan-girling body. He and I both knew I won this bet, but the look he was giving me meant war. Okay, Hobo.

Bring. It. On.

**O.o**

**END NOTES**

**You can thank Lizzylillyrose for forcing me to do the lemon…I tried to copout of it the first time around. And then she pretty much re-wrote it for me. She's the best.**

**Please, please review! No, I'm not ashamed to beg like a little whore ;)**

**The songs that were used are also not mine – they belong to as follows:**

**I touch myself: Divinyls**

**With or Without You: Nysnc**

**U Drive Me Crazy: Nsync**

**Favorite Girl: Justin Bieber**


End file.
